Christmas 2010*

We spent the first part of the Christmas week in Bend with my family. Matt helped me decorate my tiny fake tree with ornaments and it felt so special and surreal to think this is the first of all the rest of our Christmases together. That we'll eventually have lil ornaments of our own and we'll develop family traditions together. We hung stockings for us, the dogs and the cat. It felt like a real home.

For Christmas proper, we headed to Idaho Falls to meet Matt's family. I'd met his youngest brother Michael and his wife Lindsey in Boise in the fall, but this would be my first meeting of my new in-laws. Idaho Falls was... very cold and icy. It seemed like a decent enough town, though I had a hard time imagining ever wanting to live there. Luckily Matt doesn't have a desire to move back. He did enjoy driving me past all of his stomping grounds.

My first impression of Matt's family was positive, thankfully cause I was already engaged to him! I actually liked them better, and felt more comfortable with them, than anyone else (I've dated)'s family.

His mom was very kind and spoke very gently. She seemed very open and I tried to spend some time talking with her about Matt growing up, about who I am and how I love him, things I figured a mom would want to know about who her oldest son is marrying. She made several wonderful meals. There were times it seemed a little awkward and I realized part of that was that Matt hadn't spent a lot of hours straight with his family in a very long time, so to have this somewhat unstructured visit of a lot of hanging out was special but also very different. But there were some things to do, like decorate her tree.

Matt and his brothers Martin and Michael couldn't be more different for being brothers raised in the same home. That surprised me. As Michael put it- Matt's the sports-nut athlete, Martin's the fisherman hick and Michael's the Star Wars geek. And it's true! Yet I like them each in his own way. They're all very quirky (aren't we all) and it was fun to see them interact. Oh yeh... and Matt's mom has a weenie and Michael & Lindsey have two, so that equaled FIVE weenies all in this small apartment together. This family is dachshund crazy.

Matt's dad was pretty quiet. He's friendly and attentive but I saw where Matt gets his cool, quiet side. His stepmom, on the other hand, was very talkative and lively. For battling cancer, and in a mostly losing battle, she is so positive and upbeat. She talked to me quite a bit about just appreciating what she has and the time she has, making the most of every day. They have a lovely house in the country and Matt took me out on the four-wheelers. We played some games and had a nice visit.

Our first Christmas together

A Day to Remember - Dec 14th*

On Dec 13th I was thinking of a blog post title "The Art of Sandwich Making." Matt goes to work around 7am and aside from the fact that once his alarm goes off I can't get back to sleep until he leaves, I also think about how my mom would get up with us early every time and make us breakfast or our lunch. So I've been getting up with Matt and at least making his lunch so he has some healthy snacks during his long, physical day. And he claims I make a great turkey, cheese, avocado and tomato sandwich, though I think he just says it so I'll keep making them. It's working. I love Matt and I just want to serve him and support him and help him be happy and healthy because I feel so happy, so calm, so much of the self I want to be and always thought I could be with him. Here we are 4 1/2 months along and haven't fought, haven't had anything to fight about, and we want the same things... And he loves me, he finally told me so :-) And I've been feeling so in love and it feels so right. Recently I looked at him and thought "I will never be with anyone else," and it was wonderful. I felt so inspired the day before I posted a "love note" on Facebook about Matt, because I just want the world to know how I feel.

He's just awesome. He's sweet and funny and kind and thoughtful and smart. He's everything I want in a guy. Okay that he's Mormon still is odd for me because I just have my own spiritual beliefs but I know that is something that is fine. I wanted to be with someone who had some faith. And we'll see as the years goes on how that plays out and it'll be interesting. And I'm not crazy about the fact that he's been married before. But I've lived with people, I've shared a bank account, it was and very much wasn't like marriage (at least like how I'd want marriage to be but maybe how some marriages are). On the afternoon of Tuesday, December 14th, I was just writing Jesse I wish we could've met sooner though but maybe it wouldn't have been the right timing for us. I think at any point in my life I would've been interested in him, which I never would've said about others I've dated. And as much as it does bother me that he was married before (even with my understanding that even the wedding itself was much different than it'd be with me), I see how open he is in his communication and how forward-thinking about issues and it's really nice and refreshing and how I want to be, and he wouldn't have that perspective having not experienced that relationship. He seems to have really learned some things from that relationship, and he's told me before that he now really knows what he wants and he will never settle again.

And we've talked about engagement. In fact, we started off our relationship serious in the sense that we agreed we weren't interested in just dating for fun, but if we were going to be in a relationship it was because we both saw it going somewhere and really wanted that. He's joked too that he felt like he knew it was "love at first sight" for me anyhow. He's right. There was something about him that, even though I could think of reasons to rule him out of Mr. Perfect, I just wanted to know him and be with him. Anyhow, just before Halloween when he'd emailed me a link about the NBA Jam PS3 game he wanted as his birthday present, I'd partially-jokingly emailed him a photo of a diamond ring as what I wanted. But we only discussed it briefly. But yes I'd have said yes if he'd asked for our birthdays, I knew then. Then a few weeks ago he asked me how long I'd like to be dating before being engaged and what my dream wedding would be like-- I said I feel like all relationships have their own timing but I've always, since I was young, thought that I'd meet the right guy and just know, right away, very soon, and be engaged within a year. My dating experience certainly didn't set me up to believe this was realistic, and I struggle with my thoughts on how realistic this is, but I still stood by, when I know, that's when it's the right time. And when I asked Matt, he'd said he'd been thinking about it a lot lately but that he should probably tell me he loves me first. That came a day or so later :-)

Anyhow I'd been thinking about marriage lately but decided to wait to talk about it until he brought it up. I thought about mentioning that I'd tried on my mom's ring that's a size 5 and that it was too big but decided to wait til he brought it up. I'd try not to look into jewelry stores as we passed by and assumed he'd mention something when he was ready. On Dec 13th when we were getting a mocha in the Bridgeport shopping area, I sorta-jokingly said "oh look, it's the 'He got it at Jared' store," just to see what his reaction was, if he'd say "oh we should go in there sometime," or "what do you want from there," but he said nothing. Okay, poor timing on that remark. Anyhow it's not like I'm in a hurry. It's just that once I've met this awesome guy who I really want to ask me, I want him to ask me :) It took me years to get to that feeling about Richard and I still had reservations about whether or not he and I would want the same things or have a really healthy relationship. I never felt that way about anyone else, that I was ready to be asked. But I didn't want to rush anything, have Matt feel pressured in any way to move or make any action. Plus I figured it would be a little while for an engagement. I still haven't met his family (Christmas). We still have to move him out of his apartment and into my house. We still have to redecorate. It's not even been a year yet since he separated or divorced. I just figured at the earliest maybe he'd propose in the spring. Which would be great! Or maybe later. The more important thing is that he's moving to be with me so we can be together and just keep sharing things and sharing days and enjoying each other.

I also wrote that day (Dec 14): All day yesterday I just kept thinking "I have to tell Jesse, 'you were right, it was worth the wait.' " I'm just so happy in the relationship and in love, it's so great. I've never felt this way for someone because always in the past there's been at least a tinge of un-healthiness, something that was wrong and nagging. I don't feel that way with Matt. I feel insecurities but I know they are mine and actually are contrary to what he says and does, but I know that's normal and a lot of it has to do with just feeling more tired and outta shape lately.... Okay, I'm just going to say this while also acknowledging that the future is always uncertain and changing but my gut tells me that we'll be married next year. I know it sounds soon but I just keep thinking that. We'll see if I'm right ;) This was around 4:30-5pm.

Matt had the day off. Since we met on July 30th, he's had about three weekends off. One of those we went to Boise for a football game. One of those he came to visit me in Bend. And Thanksgiving. Otherwise he's had to work almost every Saturday, has occasionally had a Friday off, and just keeps being told "well you're getting 2wks for Christmas." That's only an incentive if you don't get all your Saturdays until then taken away. Bah. So he was finally burnt out enough to ask for an extra day off. They gave him Tuesday. All the senior tech guys were secretly getting Monday off. Uh huh. Glad he's leaving even if right now the future does seem so insecure. So all day he was kinda puttering around, working on his computer, going through some boxes to start getting ready for the move, he ran a few errands (had said I still had a Christmas present coming so I figured maybe he was shopping for me)... And I didn't think much of it. Plus I was really busy with my work day. Just because I work "from home" doesn't mean it doesn't take a lot of concentration some days.

And we had some logistics conversations about selling his car, and potentially selling my car and getting something together. That's the only thing that I've felt hesitant on. My cars have always felt like symbols of freedom to me, freedom to go wherever you want. Especially this car, which I bought just before moving to Texas. It's like the symbol of a new start. My first car that I really owned and that I bought myself. But I know I didn't want to tie too much into a vehicle. Mainly it was that I was worried that if the relationship failed, even while Matt was giving up so much now, I might be without a car. Which I said to him. We've had this conversation a few times and it has always ended by us both saying that we didn't see it going that way and we saw us working out. But that was something that worried me.

As I was writing this email to Jesse, he told me that he needed to go help his boss move a bed but that when he came home, maybe we could go to dinner. We'd just gone to BBQ the night before because I'd been craving it, so I said "oh we could just make something," but he said "nah, let's go out, I'll take you somewhere nicer tonight." Okay. So I decided to get dolled up a little more than usual and curled my hair while he was out. He came home, and as I was still getting ready, was trying on a pair of dressy pants and a dress shirt and sweater vest, passing it off as "oh I just haven't worn this in awhile, I was just curious if it still fit." I thought, well that makes sense because he's planning to move and maybe wants to go through some clothes. He decided that since he had that on, maybe he'd just wear it to dinner. "Well I should wear a dress or something nicer than jeans," I said but oh no no, he said jeans were fine especially since I'd worn a cute new dress the night before while he'd worn jeans. But no, I figured if he's dressing up, I'll dress up too and this would be a good time to wear the purple shirt dress I bought in Houston and hadn't worn for him yet. Foot in my mouth #1- I joke that someday he'll have to take me somewhere really nice (thinking, like, the Portland City Grill) even though I don't really care about going to fancy places and spending that much on food.

He took me to the Olive Garden for dinner, which we've been to before and we both like, and the only thing that seems off is that he doesn't look at the dessert menu right away or order dessert. He mentions getting a mocha at this cafe where we've gotten mochas the past two nights so I thought maybe he wants a mocha for dessert instead. And he seemed a little antsy to get the check but nothing noticeable. He told me how beautiful I looked (yeh I really "brought it" that night, not to brag), but he's usually sweet and complimentary. He looked so handsome in his shirt, it was slightly butterfly collared, and his sweater vest. So everything was just good and nice, except that I blah-blah-blah'd about all kinds of stuff. He'd asked me over dinner if I'd ever been to the Portland Waterfront (not sure, I think for a brewfest? or Sat Market?) and if they had Christmas lights up (not sure, he must be feeling festive and wants to be in the holiday spirit). So when he turned the wrong way out to the parking lot (not that I'd have noticed if he hadn't have said so) and was heading north on I-5 and said "well do you want to see if there are lights up on the waterfront? We might as well," I thought yeh sure, why not.

I really don't know where we're going and he started to pull into a dark parking lot just off the street as it's going into downtown. It had been pouring when we left his apartment and this parking lot is right underneath an overpass and it's lit well enough but still kinda dark and drippy wet and there are a bunch of bums. Foot in my mouth #2: I jokingly say "oh yeh pull into this creepy parking lot" thinking maybe he's just turning around, and having this weird memory of this sketch parking lot that the bus we were taking (hoping was taking us) to the Egyptian desert pulled into. And then he parked. Oh, we really are getting out here. Now I was kicking myself a little for not taking my jacket even though he'd asked if I wanted to bring one when we left the apartment in the pouring rain. Nah, we're just going to be inside, I thought, plus I only saw my sporty jackets that didn't go with my dress and heels. I almost was onto something when I was trying to decide whether to take my purse with me or leave it in the car and as I walked around to his side, trying to decide whether to just throw my purse back in the car or not, I noticed he jerked a little and seemed to stuff something in his pocket, which I assumed was chapstick.

So we walked hand-in-hand on the riverfront. It was pretty chilly and there was some wind coming off the water, we were both shivering. There were a few, or maybe one, people walking also but they seemed more in a hurry to get somewhere than just strolling. We saw a crew boat with lights on it and the coxman yelling to row pass us on the water. I think Matt was expecting more lights and there really weren't any. We were staying into the dark water and across to the darker side of the river, but the city lights were just north of us and we turned to walk south and found the end of the path in a little overseeing platform that faced a lit Christmas tree. There was a set of observation binoculars and I wished I had some change, and wondered what exactly you'd be able to see in there. So we looked out for a minute and I thought, this would be a nice place for a proposal one day, and that was about it. I wished there were more lights because I thought maybe he was disappointed.

We were both cold so he suggested we walk back to the car, but then he didn't seem to be moving. So we hugged and shared a few smootches... And he told me he loves me. And how wonderful the past few months have been. I tend to be the more on-the-line sharer so I admitted that they've been the best and happiest I've ever had. He said "well I hope you don't have to worry anymore." And I wondered what he meant, about the car? But before I could ask, he was pulling out of our hug and getting on his knee. WHOA! was my thought. Is he proposing right NOW? Is this IT?! And the wind was picking up a little so I had to hold my dress down from blowing around since he was now kneeling in front of me. I almost wanted to ask "what are you doing? Are you proposing?!" because I was just so surprised. Wait, is this really it?! I suddenly felt like I needed a second to register it. I've thought about what this moment would be like most of my life and all of a sudden it's happening. But thankfully this time I kept my mouth shut :) Because yes, he was proposing. He pulled a box out of his pocket as he asked "will you marry me?"

I was shocked and surprised and so happy and just shouted "YES!" And it was sort of a blur. I hugged and kissed him and I think I asked "really?! When did you decide this?!" because I knew he'd thought about it a little but I had no idea he was going to propose then. And what was in that box?! "I've been thinking about it for awhile," he said, and asked if I wanted to see my ring. Well, sure! It's so beautiful! Obviously he picked it out himself. He tried to remember the picture I'd emailed him but he picked one even prettier than I'd seen. I've never properly ring shopped, just sneaked peaked when my mom got her ring cleaned, or checked out other girls' rings, and once tried a few on with my mom but I've never seen anything I really liked. I feel like I'd have shopped for a long time to pick something, and not in the price range he was looking in. And though it's probably not appropriate to say, I had told him I just hoped that my ring would be bigger and better than his ex's. I know that's really petty but I don't know why it mattered to me. I just didn't want to feel like people would see my ring and think "oh man, wife #1 was more demanding obviously." I got so used to settling with others, I might've settled for a wood ring, no, probably not. Anyhow, as stupid and mainstream as it sounds, I wanted people to see my ring and think "wow, he upgraded on everything" or if we ever run into her (again) for her to think "dang, I really missed out and messed that up." Suffice it to say, he listened to me and my ring is so pretty. And much bigger than anything I ever thought I'd want. But I love that he picked it out. It's really one of the prettiest things I've ever seen and it almost makes me emotional looking at it because I never thought I'd have something so nice, I never thought someone would ever want me to have something so nice and actually get it for me. Not that the size of the ring = amount of love or amount of commitment, but it doesn't hurt (and in our society, that correlation is hard not to make). Only problem was... it was about a size and a half too big.

We walked back to the car, him exhausted now and wanting to go home and relax, me feeling like I'd just chugged ten cups of coffee and so excited and still so surprised. When had he gone ring shopping? When did he get this? Did anyone know- did my parents know? Did his family know? Was he planning on tonight? How long had he planned it?

I'm still not sure how long he'd thought about it, or if there was some moment when he thought, okay today is it, except that he finally had a day off. But he'd (sign of the times) emailed my parents that morning to ask for their blessing. I told him good thing it was for a blessing (which I think is sweet) and not permission because I'd always said that it's modern days and I'm the one who gives permission. And my mom apparently was using her computer and saw the email right away and my dad hadn't gone to work yet. So when I thought Matt was running errands, he'd gone to that same Jared's and picked out a ring, though he says he'd been looking for awhile. And he didn't really help move a bed, he was going to pick up the ring because they'd finished placing the diamond he picked into the setting he wanted. He'd wanted to wait a little closer to Christmas, he'd thought about waiting until Idaho. His mom wanted him to wait so she could help pick out a ring (which is sweet considering she's not yet met me). But he said once he had it, of course, he had to give it to me right away, that night, he was too excited. Which is so sweet and so him.

The next few hours (in fact about 20hrs for me), we had very different energy levels. He was exhausted, having been so excited and nervous and anxious all day. I was super charged (with adrenaline?) with a nervous excited stomach and so much energy, I barely slept that night while he immediately fell asleep. I'd called my parents and brother, and texted Jennifer, and emailed Jesse to call me the next day after she read my emails because I thought it was so funny I'd just written to her about feeling like we'd be married next year. And the next day was a blur of trying to work, and spread the word, and get my ring sized correctly. And adjust to the fact that... Matt is now my finance. The man I love is my finance. We're getting married. It's actually happening.

Two (potentially coincidental) sidenotes: sometime last winter 2009-10, might've been around my birthday 2009 I can't quite remember, I was on the phone with my friend Jenna late at night and she'd been upset and drinking (she's now sober). But she prophetically told me she thought I'd be married in the next 2-3 years, definitely by 2012. She said she's been right about other people before, could never see anything about her own life, but she saw me married and being so happy. Then the psychic reading I had on Feb 22... she did tell me that I'd meet the man within a year and that my angels and her cards were telling her I'd be married. She even said the name Mathew as maybe his name. She said we might've known each other in another life, maybe teammates or something like that, so that we'd feel close to each other in this life. We were teammates in this life, that's how we met! Anyhow, strange that Feb 22, the day I got my reading, was I think the day that Matt was in the hospital for a kidney stone while out of state on a business trip, and his ex's unresponsiveness and lack of concern was the catalyst for their breakup the next day when he got home. Odd timing eh?

I had a good feeling about Matt from the beginning, I'll admit now. I kept feeling like I was going to meet someone running, I was on higher alert anytime I went running along the river that summer, wasn't sure why I thought that. I also thought the relay would be a good place to meet guys and thought well maybe that's how I'll meet him, at least I'll know he's active and healthy and likes some of the same activities I do. And the story also goes... I'd emailed some guy a few months before on eHarmony because his pics looked like they might've been from this relay I'd just signed up for. He ended up being one of the race directors that I met the night before the race and we had some awkward convo about this and I was glad he'd never emailed me back. When I told Sandy, our team coordinator, about the interaction, she said "wait, you're single?! I have a guy for you. His name's Matt and he's on our team in the other van. You'll meet him tomorrow." I thought, well how does she know I'd even like this guy? Every other guy on our team is like 45 y.o. But I also thought, hmmm Matt is a nice name. That sounds right.

The next morning when I was running the first leg of the race, I'd forgotten my iPod so had time to think and said a prayer that if this Matt guy was the one, because something about it felt really interesting, that I get a sign. Something I'd recognize. When I first saw Matt, we were stopped at the first handoff between Van 1 and Van 2 and he walked up with Zoey in his arms and I thought wow, he's just as cute as I thought he'd be, maybe cuter. Just as cute as I'd hoped. Yep, that was my first thought. Then I spent the next two days trying to be near him whenever possible and talk to him as much as I could. The next night after the race had ended, as we were on our first "date," which consisted of a post-race burrito and a lot of sitting in his car in Summit High School parking lot where the race had ended (first kiss in that parking lot ;) and it was really good), I told him I felt very comfortable around him, like I'd known him longer than a day. "Well maybe you'll go on your trip to Egypt and find out we knew each other in a past life," he said. What had he said, know each other in a past life?!, that's what the psychic had told me, was that my sign that I was supposed to recognize? And I figured if I thought it could be my sign, it probably was. Maybe that's not the best or rational or logical way to go into a relationship with confidence, but I've been learning a lot about faith this year, and trusting my gut, and hey so far I'm proving myself right. And I couldn't be happier. I really do feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I have this great relationship that's better than any I've ever had, so loving and open and positive, with this amazing guy who I totally adore and who I have a lot in common with, particularly that we want a family life together. And I just couldn't be any happier! FINALLY! Okay, and yes, it was worth the wait.

Catching Up- Moving Plans and Birthdays*

Well... after some discussion, Matt decided to move to Bend. This was a huge decision because it means he's giving up his job (which although it's not something he loves, somedays doesn't even like, and although he didn't think it'd be permanent), it's a big change and a big step of faith in our relationship that this will end up being a good move. He's giving up his apartment, which again is not someplace that he wanted to stay even until his lease was up but still it's a place he tried to make his home. He's also giving up his car, which he's been trying to sell since before I met him. So essentially he's giving up what he's tried to create for himself to take a chance with me, and I think that is so brave and I feel so relieved that he wants to. Especially in light of having heard him say that he feels like he's made most if not all of his major life decisions for others. But I try to rationalize how the move will be for him too. He wants to live in a house, I have a house. He wants us to be together and have me not being the one to drive all the time because he works six days a week. He'll have a new start in a new city with a new wonderful woman who loves him.

One option we discussed was him finishing the bachelor's degree he's been working on online for several years while he worked full-time. I think this was another thing he did because his ex pushed him into it. I don't really care if he has a degree or not. I did what was good for me in my life at that time. He needs to do what serves him best. And as long as he can be supportive and loves me and treats me well, that's what matters. So we're working through how he could go to school full-time, and maybe work part-time, once he moves in.

What's funny to me about this relationship with Matt... I just really speak my mind so much more than I ever have. I'm really pretty frank about some things. And things I might not have said before, or might've danced around, I'm much more straight-forward with now. Okay, there's still some things that I find difficult to bring up and discuss. But I just feel so much more confidence in myself. I don't know if that's a testament to me (growing in not only age but also wisdom) or our relationship or both. I also would say I have your influence to thank for that. Seriously. I'm truly, truly grateful for you for that. Okay, it took some time, a year ago it was effort for me just to say what I wanted to do for my birthday!

Anyway apparently it's different enough that after a long convo with my coworker Katie (the uber christian one who has really, really conservative views on dating/relationships), during which I even talked about Matt moving in with me (which I felt a little awkward discussing cause I know she doesn't agree with that but I just decided I don't really care), she actually hugged (while jumping up & down as we were walking) and told me she was so happy for me and happy that I sound like I'm really holding to what I want and demanding the best for myself. Whoa. I felt like I sounded strong, but it's nice to know that it really does come across.

It's strange. I feel inklings of the same old stress, but in such a calmer way. Like one of Matt's texts that seemed up in the air about moving that I got while I was in Arizona on a business trip and at dinner with my clients. And I almost wanted to go to the bathroom and feel insecure about it and like "oh no, now he's undecided and maybe he won't move to be with me and maybe I'll have to keep driving blahblahblah" and then I just thought no, I'm not gonna do that. I'll stress about it later. Or not at all. If he doesn't want to move, fine, we'll work something else out. And if I feel pissed about the compromises I'll have to make if he wants to sell again next summer, then I either won't make them or I will get to a place where I'm not pissed. I can't even really predict how I'll feel at that time. And now I'm going to ignore him and his waffling and get back to dinner. It mostly worked :-)

I guess I've just been through enough to realize not to get too far ahead of myself, and deal with emotions when it's the time to deal with them. And if this is meant to be, we'll make it work and I'll want to do what it takes and feel it's worth it. And if not, that will suck and eventually something else will come along. But I think this will work :-)

And when I came home from that trip, he'd talked with his boss and told him that he really is leaving, he wants to finish his degree, he wants a fresh start in a new city and with me. I guess his boss was more receptive this time. It was good. I said come whenever but make sure that's what you want to do and what you're ready for because that's the only way it'll work, and he says that's what he wants to do and he doesn't feel pressured and he's looking forward to it.

So... then it's just a matter of when. I told him, right away. I have the house, what's the rush. But in order to get his 2wks paid Christmas break, he needs to work til at least Jan 15th. So we're now trying to sell his car and sublet his apartment for the remaining two months of his lease, and get him moved to my place. Then of course, right when he made the decision to move and gave real notice, he found out his degree he'd been pursuing is no longer available online. So now what? A different degree? In what? To do what? Or work?

Then our birthdays. His is the day before mine (Nov 19 & 20). I felt like that was a good sign, and when we first discovered it on our "first date," he said we could celebrate "our birthday" together, so that's what we've always called it. We ended up having to do "three nights of birthday" because the gift he wanted was NBA Jam the PS3 game came early in the mail, and Matt apparently has to have a secret out once he knows it or has to have his gift once he knows it. So he got his gift two nights early. And he also insisted on giving me my gift early- a beautiful pair of earrings. He'd seen this pair of fake diamond earrings and decided to get me a real pair. They feel so elegant and beautiful and I wanted to do something else special for him so I thought I'd take him to a Blazers game. He's gone a few times with work but since he loves basketball, I thought it'd be fun for us to share. But the only games were either the night before his birthday or on mine. And it was great, good game, he was so sweet and bought me a Blazers t-shirt and we got some of his favorite bbq at a stand at the Rose Garden. The night of his birthday he actually just wanted to stay home and relax so we ordered a pizza and just chilled.

On my birthday, he'd already given me my gift. It was a Saturday but he's pretty much worked every day but Sunday since I've known him. I slept in and I think I was just hungry but I felt a little bummed out. I could've called some people I know in the Portland area but just felt like I needed to take some time to myself on my special day of the year. And once I ate, I felt better. It's interesting about getting older and actually realizing what I need and how it plays out. And I've been emailing Jesse, who's down in California, and that's been really nice. I actually wrote her a long email on my birthday and thought about my relationship with Matt and how I'd already told him "I love you" without that being reciprocated yet. I wrote Jesse I want to tell Matt- I already know we'll work out. The psychic told me in Feb. My gut tells me. It's fine. I'm not going to stop loving you. I know you say you just realize how miserable you'd been for ten years and this is just such a change that you're still getting used to it. But how can you have to get used to being happy? Isn't that what everyone gravitates toward? Shouldn't that just come naturally and easily? Anyway, I know he cares (loves?) me and I feel that more than I have with anyone than Richard (after we'd been dating years). He's very caring and considerate and just sweet. And he bought me some beautiful diamond earrings for my birthday, seriously nicest gift I've ever gotten from a guy. So I've just decided, be patient, enjoy the sorta-slow progress of this (even though we've only been dating about 4mos and he's planning to move in with me, so I guess that's kinda fast), and pour out my love. I'd read a quote once that said "This is the hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love, and keep modest as a giver" (Nietzsche) and I'd think, yes, that's it, keep modest, keep some back. Now I just think, no, if I give out my love the way I want, and Matt doesn't reciprocate or he feels "smothered" like others in the past, then he's not for me. I don't want to have to hold back. I just am going to do what feels right to me. Oh yeh, and the last week, for pretty much the first time... I'm starting to think I truly do want kids in the next few years. Weird. I'm seeing baby stuff and thinking about how wonderful it'd be to hold my baby all cuddly in some outfit. YIKES! Seriously that's a first for me. I really like that Matt wants kids and is excited about it. I can just tell how wonderful and supportive he'll be.

And I was feeling a bit sleepy still in the afternoon when Matt got home but like a bolt of sunshine, he picked me up and cheered me up. He'd just gotten a new iPhone, which I'd been eyeing although I just got a new phone this summer, and had been trying to talk me into getting one. So on my birthday, he took me out and, although he'd already given me an amazing gift, bought me an iPhone and we signed a plan together... oooooohhhhh! :) Then he took me to dinner and movie and it was absolutely perfect. I'm so happy.

For Thanksgiving, we'd decided to go to Bend, and go to Idaho to spend Christmas with his family. Matt met my parents on the one weekend he was able to come visit me, and Joe when he was home for fall break and in Portland. My parents were awesome as usual and made a delicious spread. And my sweet guy ran a 5k Turkey Trot with me. I've never ran a race with a sweetheart and it was awesome. He hasn't been running at all but ran with me the whole time and we crossed the line together. Ahhh. I was a little nervous about the weekend, wondering if we spent a weekend at my house if he'd think "I can't see myself here, I can't live here." But just the opposite! He's excited to move and to be there. He's excited to help me re-decorate. I'd told him "ya know, I decorated this place as a bachelorette house, a place for myself because I didn't have someone to share it with. Even when I tried, that guy wasn't really interested in that, it's like he was just looking for a place to crash. So I'm willing to repaint, I'm willing to change things, because what I want is to share this with someone, with you." We took a daydreaming trip around Home Depot and he said sometimes he feels like he's just a little in shock about how exciting this all is and how happy he's been. I feel the same!

We decorated my lil fake tree.

Moot Point*

After all this thinking I've done about renting my house and potentially moving somewhere else, after a good conversation with Matt in which I realized I'd go anywhere (at least for awhile) that he wanted to go (I don't care, I'd follow him for a bit, I just want to be with him), I come back to my house, check my mail... and there's a reminder letter from the IRS that to keep my First-Time Homebuyer Credit valid, I have to use this house as my primary residence for at least three years after I purchased it. That means til January 2012, or at least 15 months from now.

Wow. What timing. Literally I came home in part to clean up Amy's room/guestroom and repaint so I'd be a little closer to trying to rent it out, and think more seriously about my options there.

The blessing part is that I actually received this notice. I don't remember seeing this requirement before. What are the odds I'd receive this just as I was thinking of converting for rental use, which is clearly stated as a situation in which the home is no longer a primary residence. What if I hadn't know about this, hadn't looked into it (cause I thought only my FHA loan had qualifications like that, and theirs was only 1yr), rented my house and then been slapped with this after I filed my taxes, with a requirement to repay the credit in full? That'd have been terrible!

So my options are 1- keep this as my primary residence til Jan 2012, 2- rent it or sell it in the next 15 months and repay $8000... Maybe Matt would move here. He did mention it as an option recently, though he has no job lined up (though he could). I feel bad asking him to move here though after he'd already told me that he feels like he's always made decisions for others, not for himself. Maybe he could feel like it was for him, because it would benefit him? I do have a beautiful house with a yard for the dogs and his money wouldn't be thrown away on rent (umm, if he had long-term plans to really be with me, ie marry me). OR maybe I could get roommates again and rent out my master bedroom and move myself into one of the smaller rooms... as long as this could still be considered my primary residence.

I dunno. Does God/Creator/my Guides and Angels have a plan? Or is it all just chaos? Or am I creating it? But why do things pop up that I don't expect that seem to be barriers to what I just was thinking I wanted to do? Obstacles... How do I look at this as a positive opportunity, and not feel disappointed and trapped, or feel like I could work around it but it'll be so much more complicated?

Seasons*

Fall is always my favorite season, a season that reminds me of the excitement of going back to school, the potential to meet new friends, running through the rain and autumn leaves, pumpkin, cinnamon, apples, thanksgiving, jeans and sweaters, a few sunny warm days here and there that are so welcomed and appreciated because they are little glimpses of the past summer that I know is ending.

Is that what makes me restless? The season itself? I wish it was that simple.

I've been feeling restless... hmm... maybe for a really long time. But at least during the spring, which is why I was so excited about the trip to Egypt with Jen. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to moving every 1-2 years in the past decade, and now I've been in my house almost 2 years. Maybe it's because what I've really wanted there, I've never had- a lover, a real sense of home, someone to share it with. The most home-y my house ever felt was the few months Adam and Jesse lived with me. And even then I'd be out, trying to meet people, trying to make new friends, trying to be involved in activities, and I'd come home and they'd have the fire going and be all curled up together on my couch snacking and handing with their dog Ebony and I'd think that's what I wanted for myself here, and still haven't had.

In any case, I bought my house because it seemed like a good decision at the time- market down more than I ever thought (I used to never think I could afford to buy in Bend), had the money for a down payment from my settlement, wasn't sure what next step to take after the TFA disaster, just starting to date Dan and wanting to stay in Bend to be near parents and not sure where else I'd go anyhow, had been obsessed with watching home buying shows and just felt like applying my energy toward something practical (like painting, pulling weeds, building things, oh what I was in store for). So it was a good decision for me. But I bought my house because it was the best on the market I could afford at that time with the best resale potential. It's not my dream home. I never thought I'd be in it more than a few years. With all the home improvements I've made, I always have thought in the back of my head about some couple who would appreciate it one day and think it was a beautiful home. And for some reason I never envisioned myself as part of that.

It's a beautiful house! Look at it! I'm so amazed by how far it's come. I'm so thankful to have had the experience and opportunity, and help from my mom!!!

front yard before

front yard now

dining room before

dining room now

kitchen before

kitchen now

living room now

front bedroom before

office now

middle bedroom now

master before

master now

backyard before

backyard now

Some of the things I've done (Mom & I have done, my neighbor Alan and Mom and I have done) -- building the stairs, putting up gutters, building the front yard, tearing down a cyclone fence, putting in sprinklers, painting the whole interior, building a dog pen -- I didn't even think I could've done.

But it's never felt like home to me. Right now Matt's little 2-bedroom apartment in Wilsonville feels more like home, even though there's nothing of mine but a suitcase and my bathroom products and jewelry strewn out everywhere. And I've been spending most of my time here since we met three months ago. In fact, I've probably only spent a total of two weeks at my house. And I have no real desire to. When I get back there, I walk in and think wow, this place is really pretty, and big. It's a nice place. And that's about it. And I miss being around Matt, and even the pesky lil dachshunds. And I look forward to being back there.

So... I want a change. I've wanted a change for awhile, felt it coming, wanted it to come.

The main piece I wanted was some wonderful guy in my life that I could see spending it with, someone who is kind, warm, loving, supportive, funny, sweet, smart, hardworking, sexy and adorable, and who loves me and treats me like I'm special and he wants to be with me. And I think I've found that person. Matt's wonderful and I completely, head-over-heels adore him. I just want to be with him. I could see myself marrying him, having a family, buying a house. I feel more relaxed and confident around him than I've ever felt with anyone. I feel like I can be myself and be accepted. We've been watching "How I Met Your Mother" and there's an episode in which the main character is matched with a 9.6 match (out of 10) to some girl, and Matt's comment at dinner was that we were a 9.6 match. We at least have quite a bit in common as far as tastes, foods, little quirks (maybe cause our birthdays are Nov 19 and Nov 20). And we both want the same things as far as having a healthy marriage and family and we've had some conversations at least that that's where we see this heading and if it wasn't, we wouldn't be seeing each other. And I want to tell him that I'd like to be the woman in his story of how he met his children's mother. But... it's only been three months and I'm scared because I know he really likes me but I'm not sure how deep his feelings are yet. I'm still trying to protect myself a little from being hurt by putting myself out there and finding out the other person isn't quite there yet, or maybe never will be. I don't know. How fast are feelings supposed to move? How fast are relationships supposed to move? How fast do I want to move?

The weekend before I met Matt, I went to Portland to see my old OSU guy friends-- Alex, Alex, Brandon, Chris... we even went to Kevin's daughter's 1st birthday. Side story: they are so funny, I haven't really hung out with them in about 5 years and they are in some ways still so much the same, same quirks, same interests somewhat. And they are still close and very supportive of each other, which is very sweet. Anyhow, hanging out in Portland, having not met anyone in Bend, thinking about new opportunities (job opportunities?) that could be in Portland, I thought yeh I could see myself moving to Portland, something different, something new, time to shake it all up since this isn't really serving me. And then I met Matt, and wouldn't you know it, he lives near Portland. It's not so much Portland itself, it's just that there'd be more opportunities here if I decide that I want to make a career change, OR even if I just want to feel more connected to my job at UO. The drive from here to Eugene is much quicker and easier obviously than the drive from Bend.

So lately I've been thinking seriously about moving. And it scares the crap outta me a little, and at the same time may have gotten to be an itch that I'll have scratch (I have a little difficulty letting go of an idea once I've thought enough about it and how to pull it off- case in point, my stairs). The idea of being somewhere other than my house is exciting. I guess I could get excited about staying in my house if, say, Matt were able to move there, but that's not likely to happen given the job market.

I even had a property management guy come out to tell me how much he thinks he would rent it for. Surprisingly he quoted like $30 under my mortgage, which was a huge relief because I was afraid he'd recommend much lower, which would mean to rent out my house would be a little bit of a financial burden if I still had to be paying a chunk of the mortgage. Housing in Portland is expensive, at least the apartments I looked at.

Bah, but it's keeping me up at night, all the questions:
Is this a bad financial decision? How could I make it a good one?
Would I be able to rent my house to decent people? Would they take care of it well enough? Would they stay through their lease? Would I have problems with them?
How much should I ask for rent? A deposit? Pet deposit? A lease term? Would it be worth it to hire a property management company (though they take 1/2 the 1st month's rent for placing)?
How would I manage the money if I've read that it's better to treat that money like it's part of a business and not directly apply it to your own living expenses?
Do they mail me a check each month? To where?

And then questions about what to do with myself:
Where should I live in Portland? Close to Matt? I'm tired of making my life plans by myself but is it too soon to really try to make plans with him? And if I was single, where would I choose to go? Would I stay in Bend (I think not, I feel like that season is over for me)? Would I move to Portland still? Where else- Arizona to be near my brother who's busy in school and doesn't want to stay there? Albuquerque to be near Jenn who has her own family? California to be near Jess & Adam who don't want to stay there? Somewhere on my own by myself, which I've never and still don't want to do? Or what if Matt doesn't want to stay in Portland? Would I want to go with him somewhere else if he asked?
So do I find a place close to where he lives in Portland or not? Where would I even want to be considering that I'm not moving to be close to a place of employment and really could live anywhere? I don't want to be downtown, that's too urban, I don't want to walk out of my residence and be on the street. I want something that feels homey. I want to see trees out my windows. I actually want Matt's apartment but not in Wilsonville. Not that I would want to pay as much as his luxury apartment costs.
And then how do I afford deposits? And first month's rent? I barely have anything in savings after going to Egypt. Do I wait and try to save up a little each month until whenever in the future I could afford it, maybe 6-12 months? Do I stay at Matt's most of the time? Keep driving between his place and mine (since he pretty much only has Sunday off)? Get another roommate at my place (which I really don't want to do, especially not someone I don't already know)? Just stay at my place more often and just chill out and do more of a long distance relationship (though that's not what I want, and aside from mom & dad being in Bend, there's no other reason I want to be there, oh yeh and cause I own a house there and feel like I should be there in it)?

My gut feeling a few months ago was that my roommate Amy would move out by Thanksgiving and back to Portland and that I would be maybe then move as well. I had no reason to think that she'd be moving. She owns a house in Portland with her (mostly) ex-boyfriend that they've been trying to sell but she owned a restaurant in downtown Bend and seemed to have a life there. Then a month or so ago she texted that she was selling the restaurant and moving back to Portland and would be out by end of October. Huh, how did I know that?

Then Matt lately mentioned moving in together. Okay, we've talked about that many times in the last few months, even pretty early on, but it's always like "maybe we should talk about living together but then that freaks me out and I don't think we're ready for that." I guess that's on both ends. My fear is moving in with someone and being taken for granted, having my efforts be taken for granted, and feeling like I'm just waiting around to see if someone will commit further and want to marry me. Because I did and didn't feel that way in the past. Ugh. It's tough. I feel like through living together you do find out a lot about a person. Maybe Dan and I lived together too soon but I found out so much more quickly than I would have otherwise what a disaster he is and how wrong he was for me. But I don't want to just rack up a list of people I've lived with, because it's hard, the break-up is so much harder. My gut feeling is that everything will work out for Matt and me... but ya never know. I'm afraid to bank on my gut feeling. Cause I don't know what his gut feeling is.

Anyhow, I'm still exploring options. Jesse said to me earlier this year that we can either make decisions out of fear or love. Which is directing my thinking now? For now, I'm moving forward with plans as if I'd rent my house. I've made improvements. Amy just moved out so I'm going to repaint that room so it's not so dark. Cleaning. I've found some rental agreements to use as a model and have started typing up some of my own... Could be an interesting rest of the year...

My first month with Matt*

Okay, still trying to catch up to the present day, recapping on the month in which I've failed to write. Hey, as Thoreau wrote, "My life is the poem I would have writ, but I could not both live and utter it." i.e. I was too busy living it up to spend time writing about it ;)

So... this is when the whirlwind started that has not yet ended. Actually I guess it started with the CLR race. Then the day after the race, I flew to Seattle to work at a conference at Microsoft. I got to have dinner with my cousin Erica and her husband Todd, which was really nice because I hadn't seen Erica in years and I'd never met Todd before. Todd also was cool enough to take my coworker Cameron and me with him out on his friend's boat on our last night. The weather was perfect and we were out watching people water-ski and I felt lucky, as I do at least once on a work trip despite the long boring hours at registration, that I have the opportunity to travel and experience some cool things. And Matt was sweet and sent some beautiful roses to my hotel room. A few nights we stayed up pretty late talking. I like this guy!

Since this wasn't my event and I'd already bought Michael Franti & Spearhead concert tickets for Joe and me, I got to leave the event a little early and rushed home just in time to meet up with Joe for dinner and the concert, which was great. I love my bro.


And then, since Joe was going out on the town anyhow after the concert, I hopped in the car and headed to Wilsonville to see Matt. Unfortunately Matt works Monday-Saturday so it's much more convenient for me to visit him. He took me to the beach (my fav!)...

Despite being early August, it was pretty chilly and windy. Oregon Coast, what do you expect?

I made my efforts to bond with Zoey... I think she likes me. And Matt likes me too... in fact, we're now in a relationship and I can comfortably call him my boyfriend!

He's got a sweet-tooth like me... luckily he's also active (loves basketball) so hopefully he'll be a good influence there.

Then the next weekend, Matt finally comes back to Bend to see me, although it's short since he works Saturdays. I took him up to Elk Lake, and even though we'd just been running around there two or so weeks before, it is much much colder there now. And he met the parents :-)

Side story: I'd wanted a puppy and had been looking for a lab for a few weeks and my dad found a litter just ready for adoption. I picked out this adorable chocolate female, debated on some names, debated on whether or not I was ready for a new baby especially since I'd just met this awesome guy who lives three hours away... and the day I'm supposed to go pick her up, I have to take Jack to the vet AGAIN and he needs surgery for this cut on his neck that he keeps tearing open, which costs me over $300, which leads me to freak out about getting a puppy and the expense of that in so many ways, which leads to my parents adopting her instead. So... happy ending after all. Except in my checkbook.

So the next time I went up to Wilsonville, Matt had caught puppy fever. Zoey, his darling dachshund, is almost nine and he thinks she gets lonely while he's at work and has wanted a puppy for years. I do a little research online and find a litter of mini dachshund puppies that look just like Zoey (black & tan) just ready for adoption. So we drove out, picked out the calmest one, and rescued her from the flea-invested hole she was living in. And the name Matt picked... Ellie, which was one of my puppy choices.

My poor conehead Jack wouldn't stop scratching his wound. He needed sutures and because it was so high on his neck, the bandage kept slipping. I took him up to Wilsonville to keep an eye on him. He let Ellie cuddle but I think it's only because he couldn't actually turn around very easily to see her.

So in my lovelife, things are going very well. Matt is amazing. No one's perfect, of course, but he's pretty close to being exactly like who I've wanted to meet. He's kind, sweet, funny, easy to be with, chill, smart, quirky, affectionate... and we want the same things in the future... we'll see. Right now I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, even though we have talked about what the next steps would be (when it's the right time in the future), and enjoy where we are. And for the first time, I actually feel really calm about the relationship. Okay, I've still had some freakouts but they've been less extreme. I've been less dramatic, at least internally. I feel really good about this, most of the time, and I know that... if it works out and we're together forever, it'll be awesome and it'll have its challenges and I'm excited to have met him and start that and take it all on. And if it doesn't work out in the forever sense... well it will with someone. So for now, just enjoying the moment...

Cascade Lakes Relay*

So I'm waaaaaaayyyy behind on posts so I'm backdating some entries, starting with a recap of my relay race at the end of July.

The Cascade Lakes Relay is a team relay covering 216 miles from Diamond Lake to Bend. This is about 15 miles longer than Hood To Coast, the most popular distance relay race in Oregon, but CLR is all at high elevation too. It's a twelve person team split into two vans and runners alternate like Van 1 Runner 1, Van 1 Runner 2.... Van 1 Runner 6, then Van 2 Runner 1, Van 2 Runner 2, etc. Most legs are about 5-6miles and each runner does three legs so total is about 15-18miles/person over the course of, say, 30 hours. It's an all day/night adventure.

I found out about the race from a trainer at my gym while I was in there doing a workout for my half marathon training. I've never done a relay and thought it sounded like an interesting challenge so I joined a team of people I didn't know, a little over half had been on a team together the year before.

And I was really looking forward to it, until I bumped into our team captain Sandy (who was actually injured so she drove Van 1) at the gym just as I was finishing a fast workout and got talked into doing a training session with her and another trainer Robin (who happens to be the younger brother of my friend Rachelle from high school), and while trying to show off that I could keep up on squats and leg presses, I ended up limping for the next week and had pulled my quads. Awesome. And then instead of taking it easy, I just kept up the activities. E.g. I ran into my old college buddies Chris and Brandon and Alex and went rock climbing with them at Smith Rocks but started sliding on a downhill part of the trail and pulled my just-healing quads again. Then just as it was feeling better, I'd go for a nice long run to try to keep up with my training. Then just as it was feeling better, I hiked South Sister in the snow with Brandon and Alex, which was amazing but very hard on the quads. I went to see a physical therapist for the first time, who basically just gave me leg massages and showed me some strengthening exercises and told me not to play so hard (yeh right). And with just a week to go to the relay, I was feeling a bit better but I had drastically cut down on my training and was feeling really out of shape, considering that I had some of the longer legs of the relay and that I'd said I'd be running 8:30 min/miles or even faster. I saw in an email from Sandy to our team that someone named Matt was stepping in at the last minute since another girl was injured. (I already met most of my team a few weeks before when we picked out which legs we wanted to run and had discovered that the guys were all middle-aged and married, no young hotties like I was hoping, oh well can't be expected). Anyhow I thought maybe Sandy would know someone else who'd like to run so that I wouldn't slow everyone down, plus there were some things happening at work and I felt guilty taking the Friday off for the race. But there was no one to take my spot, so I sucked it up and prepared to run.

My first leg was the very start of the race (8.5 miles) around Diamond Lake so those of us in Van 1 drove down the night before and camped in Sandy's parents' rv so I could be at the start line by 7:30am for our heat's start (based on our average min/mile as a team). And surprisingly, it wasn't so bad... it was a nice cool morning around the lake. There were only about nine starters at that time, and I was #4 I think. One guy stayed the same distance in front of me the whole time, couldn't get closer. And one guy stayed about the same distance behind me. I saw them every so often on the trail when it took certain turns. That leg was a mix of paved trail, dirt trail, dirt logging road and paved highway. I had a watch and assumed that I was probably running 9-10 min/mile so I was pretty shocked when I passed the only table with water and the volunteer said "one more mile!" I thought it must be one more mile to more water because I couldn't possibly be nearly done. But then I eventually saw all the vans on the road and the handoff point. I'd finished 8.5 miles in only about 80 minutes. Whoa! Then it was pile in the van, catch up to Runner 2 and try to give him water and encouragement, drive ahead of him to park and wait for him to catch up, try to give him water and encouragement, wait til he got ahead, catch up to him, etc, until we passed him to beat him to the next handoff. And that's how it went the rest of the day because my next leg, after the rest of the five runners in my van and after all of the six runners in Van 2, wasn't going to be until about 11pm-midnight depending on how others ran. We didn't have to run in order, e.g. just because I ran first for Van 1 doesn't mean I had to run first every time.

So... a very, very important parallel story... the night before while we were camping, it came up that I was single and Sandy commented "oh, I have a guy for you- Matt. He's in the other van, you'll meet him at the handoff tomorrow. He's great." That's pretty much all she said. And I thought both ooohh, Matt... and hey just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm gonna just like any other single person. But I also kept feeling lately that 1- I was about to meet someone awesome and 2- that it might happen running, or doing something with sports. Thus I joined a softball team (beer league) when my friend Terry invited me. Thus I was doing this relay. So my curiosity was piqued by this elusive Matt and I thought about him during my first run and wondered what he'd be like. I only knew that he was coming from Portland.

It was really a beautiful course through the back highways. And my van was fun, got along well with everyone. I was happy I had the first leg when it was cool because the later runners in our van had very hot, dusty runs. So finally it came time for the handoff from Van 1 to Van 2. While Van 2 was running, we were going to go park at a designated parking spot and just chill for several hours, rest, pee, etc. And finally it was time to meet this Matt fellow... who... was just as attractive as I'd hoped he'd be, and looked like in my age range... and carrying a dachshund named Zoey who I tried to befriend in hopes of getting a chance to talk to Matt. Zoey is Matt's little darling, a 9 yr old wiener dog who he had to bring with him/who he takes everywhere. I thought it was kinda cute. And he was definitely cute. I tried to talk to him a little and couldn't tell if he was just being polite, or was shy, or was interested or not... And then we had to hop in our van and head to the resting area while he hopped in van 2 to run.

So each team had to provide two volunteers to help staff the race, or pay to hire staff. And our volunteers no-showed so we were almost disqualified. Instead Sandy struck a deal with the race directors (this was only the 3rd year of the race and Sandy had done it the past two years and kinda knew them) that we would volunteer at the rest area. So during our "break," we took turns "directing traffic" at the rest area, though there wasn't much to direct so it ended up not being so bad. And I had a chance to ask Sandy... "so what's with this Matt guy?" but essentially all she told me was something like he's an awesome guy, divorced, no kids, super nice and agreed to be on the team again (was on it last year) at the last minute and is very much like that from what she can tell, helpful and willing to do whatever he can for others. Hmmm, divorced, that was one of my deal-breakers I thought. I've done so much justifying to my mom and Jesse and others about how I didn't want to be with anyone who was divorced because... well... 1- I'm jealous enough of people's exs, I try not to be, I know I have my own, but this is someone who he promised to spend his life with (and no one yet has promised to spend his life with me even though this is something I want for my life, even if I haven't yet been with the right guy at the right time), so 2- that promise ended so would it be the same with me? and 3- would I be loved as much as wife #1 if I ever became wife #2? So naturally, after all that justifying I would now be interested in someone who's divorced. That which you fear you attract, right? Or maybe it's God's or my guides' or the universe's way of saying really Gretchen? Are you really serious about that qualification? Are you going to be inflexible?

Yet I found myself thinking about Matt, wondering about him. I'd gotten such little information about him while talking to him, just that he lived in Wilsonville and sold pest control but he used to do environmental chemical auditing, and he has a little dog. So I daydreamed about talking to him more and what I would ask, etc. I noticed a team roster with phone numbers in our van and considered putting his number in my phone, not that I had reception, but ya know, for afterwards, but then thought that was stupid and I should just get his number from him. And I thought about asking Sandy if he was interested but it seemed so junior high ("so does he like me? What has he said about me?"). And finally saw him again as Van 2 finished, getting to be around 6-7pm as the evening was getting cooler, and he was the last runner of his leg (pictured running). I tried to talk to him a little then too, but he had just finished and both our vans were standing there except the gal Jamie he'd handed off to. Plus he might not even be interested in me, though he seemed a little friendlier this time. And he finally took his sunglasses off and was even cuter when I could see his brown eyes. Dang it! Now I have a little crush. (The other pic is me and Robin, my friend Rachelle's brother, who ended up joining our team) That van had a crazy misadventure though, one of their runners got heat stroke and they had to take her all the way to St Charles hospital in Bend... scary but thankfully she was okay. But their van was one person short so they had to split her legs.

Jamie's leg was probably the best in the entire race. The sun was setting. She was out on a back dirtroad with little traffic and it was packed well enough that there wasn't too much dust kicked up when vans passed by. And at some point during this my cell phone finally gets reception again and I see I have a text message from an unknown 503 number that says something about good luck in the race. I have no idea who it's from, maybe Alex and Brandon's friend Shanna I'd met in Portland the weekend before. Anyhow my leg was second-to-last and it was nearly midnight when I started. It was pretty cool since we were still at a high altitude but I warmed up enough while running. My second leg was 7.2 miles on loose sand and it was MISERABLE! At nearly 500ft elevation gain in 7 miles it was all uphill, not exactly steep but gradually steep the entire way. And it was pitch black and through a forest, which was a little creepy. I wore a headlamp but it's really disorienting running at night because I could only see about four feet in front of me and had no idea how fast I was going. When I got the handoff, there was a guy who received his handoff at the same time, and at first we were running with me just slightly ahead. At some point he passed me and I spent most of the leg trying to catch up to him, pulling closer, watching him pull ahead, feeling really frustrated and tired... ARGH! It was really discouraging whenever he pulled ahead again. And the road was this loose sand so I felt like my feet were slipping around all over the place, like running on the beach. It was hard to see where the road was more compact from cars, plus it was washboard so it was just awful to run on. Then, when vans would pass to catch their runners or get ahead, their headlights would help at first but then would end up washing out my vision so I couldn't see the road's texture anymore. And they kicked up dust so then all I could see were dust particles like stars all over. I felt exhausted and slow and miserable. Yet... in the last 1-2 miles I finally caught up to the guy I'd been following. And the thing about passing people, you can't just keep going the same speed when it's just slightly faster cause then you pull ahead of them barely and you're running right in front of them and it's awkward. You just have to speed way up and blow past, then once you've broken their hopes of keeping up with you or catching you, you can settle back down to your pace. And right as I was behind the guy, my van passed and my teammate Heather said something like "finish him, Gretchen." So I had to speed way up to pull ahead, and then I was on a roll. I passed another guy and could tell by the sharp turn I had to make that I was in the last mile. The hard thing about doing a relay is that, even though it's the end of my leg, I still have another leg tomorrow, so I don't want to give it everything I've got, and risk pulling something or being too tired tomorrow. Anyhow, I finished in just about an hour. Yes, much MUCH faster than I thought I was going.

We had one more runner before handing off to Van 2. Which meant I'd get to see Matt again briefly. Then they had to run all night and we would get to go park at LaPine HS and rest for a few hours. Our first runner would probably go around 6am, so we'd have a good six hours of break. It was getting really chilly by then, just about midnight, as we stood at the handoff point. Plus I was sweaty from having just run. I found Matt holding Zoey and strategically placed myself in the group so that I could talk to him. He said something about hearing I was pretty fast on that last leg, AND let me hold Zoey for a minute. Hmmm, I thought, maybe he is interested, he's a little more talkative. Then his van-mates said something about how they were going, and he responded to them something like "okay, I'll catch up, be there in a few minutes," I'm assuming so he could keep talking to me. "Uhh, no, we're all going now, the handoff's been made and we need to go..." So he went with his van, I went with mine... We finally made it to LaPine HS after what seemed like an hour of driving. Most of our van was passed out and I was exhausted but stuck in the middle seat. The race actually had things pretty well set up, there were volunteers at the high school selling hot eggs and toast and you could use the locker rooms to shower. Those who didn't have a place to sleep could sleep on cots in the gym. Really quite impressive.

So we finally got rinsed off, into Sandy's parents' rv by 2am or so, set the alarm for 5:45am... and just like that Sandy was getting a phone call about a minute before the alarm went off. Van 2 was supposed to call us with an hour or so notice... but instead they were faster than expected and called us just as Matt was starting their last leg. Crap! That meant he'd probably be done in like 45mins, so we had to leap outta bed, throw on running clothes, get everything back into the van, and haul balls to the handoff. Matt beat us there by a few minutes and our runner Ken had to literally jump out of the car and start his run. Meaning no time to talk to Matt :( And our poor guy Ken, who's not really a runner and just did it cause his girlfriend Heather was doing it, cramped up so halfway through his leg Jamie had to get out and finish it for him.

By the time it was my last leg, I was pretty tired. It was about 8am. My stomach felt terrible too. Sidenote: I saw tons of people I knew from high school, and a guy from my dorm, throughout this race, it was kinda cool. Anyhow my last leg felt incredibly long, even though it was the shortest one. I felt so tired and slow during it. My legs were really starting to feel sore and tight. And it was boring. My first leg I'd forgotten to bring my iPod but was able to keep my mind occupied (which really is most of the battle with distance running), but thankfully I had it my other legs, but even my iPod wasn't helping. Ugh I just wanted to stop and walk. I passed so many people ("road kills") who were walking. This leg was also mostly all uphill, only about 300ft over 6 miles so about 50ft/mile, not too steep but enough to notice and wish it was flat. Honestly the thing keeping my mind occupied at the moment was Matt. I'd see him at our last handoff then at the finish. I think he's interested. What should I say? I wonder if he's going out with everyone after the race. I wonder if he's going back to Wilsonville that night, cause the night we were camping I know he'd driven down and stayed at Sandy's empty house but she's going to meet back up with her parents tonight so maybe I should offer my couch.... Maybe I'll get to kiss him... someday. Maybe that can be my reward to myself for finishing this dang leg is that I'll get to kiss him someday... if he's even interested. Geez I even look slow. Good thing Matt wasn't around to see that. Oh and shockingly my time was like 45mins! I had no idea! I felt so slow and was actually running like 8:30min/miles. Guess I underestimate my speed. So we very briefly saw Van 2 at our handoff before they started the last part of the race. Thankfully our van now had a few hours to actually go home, shower, I had to pack because I was flying to Seattle the next morning for a work trip, and then meet up later at the finish line as our final runner crossed. So I got home, found out Amy had broken one of my sprinklers which the last broken one (that I ran over with the lawn mower) took Mom and me about 2 hours to fix, felt exhausted and crappy (THANKFULLY Amy had a friend who fixed it and it wasn't a big deal after all, yay!), showered, packed, took a 30min nap and rallied to get to the finish line. And just maybe... hang out with Matt. And hopefully the team would all be going out, since that's what Sandy had said we'd do.

Our team Running On Empty ended up finishing 22nd of 130 total teams, 15th of 89 in our division, in 30hrs 45min 29secs for 216 miles (average mile 8:32). Not too bad at all! But... no one wanted to go out afterward! WHAT?! Apparently everyone in my van had eaten (it was about 2:30pm when we finished) during our break and van 2 just wanted to go shower and relax. Argh! Now how am I going to hang out with Matt, if he is even interested? I was trying to talk to him but also not seem like I'm just hanging around him, it's a delicate balance to strike, ya know. So we each got a teeshirt and a medal and took our team photo and then everyone started unpacking their van, getting their stuff situated, which my van had already done so I went to help Van 2 with their stuff, and say goodbye to my van-mates.


So it seemed like that was going to be the end of it... everyone was heading out, Matt had already said he was heading back to Wilsonville that night, guess that's it... But he did offer to take my picture... so I did walk him to his car... where he finally asked if he could call me sometime, and come back to Bend to take me out. Well if you don't have to head out of town right this minute we could get something to eat, I threw in. So we went to get a burrito, then sat in his car in the parking lot talking for hours, then to the grocery store to get a soda, then sat in his car talking for hours, then walked Zoey around the high school parking lot. Turns out, we have a lot in common, including that his birthday is the day before mine. He's sweet, funny, smart, hardworking, laid-back, sexy, easy to talk to, was a Marine, has a degree in computer programming, traveled, okay was married and was (is??) a Mormon, but something about him I really really like. And ya know what, I did get my reward after all! ;)