Happy Birth Day, Carsen!

Well... our doctor thought he'd be early. She was right! I should've known it would be Feb 25 because a few months ago, I dreamed that I asked someone when the next full moon was and they said "Feb 28," then I'd said "okay, that's when he'll be born." Then when I woke up in the morning, I looked on the calendar and saw the full moon was Feb 25.

Monday morning, Feb 25, I woke up at 3am to pee and as I got back into bed, I noticed a trickle down my leg. I thought maybe I hadn't wiped well or I was becoming inconstinent but when I sat back down on the toilet, there was definite leaking. I was leaking quite a bit of fluid and I was pretty sure it was my water breaking, though I'd read that water breaking only happens in about 10-15% of pregnancies (it's not always a big gush like in the movies; it can be a slow trickle). I called for Matt and actually caught some in a cup to be sure- it was cloudy white and didn't really smell like anything (I wanted to make sure it didn't smell funny or was green because that's a sign that the baby's poop has made it into the amniotic fluid and it's infected).

I also had read that once the water breaks, labor is supposed to start very soon and the doctors want baby delivered within like 24hrs so that bacteria doesn't get into the uterus. We called our OB's office and they asked us to go to the hospital. We took a little time to finish packing our hospital bag (most of it was packed, and of course we ended up forgetting some things anyhow) and I ate some yogurt for energy.

It was very surreal. I was prepared that he might come that early but I'd really thought I'd make it through that week. Plus I wasn't having any pain or contractions yet.

Luckily we'd run into our neighbor on the weekend and had asked him to feed the dogs when it was time.

Heading to hospital

It was a cold night but warmer than 30' so the snow that was trying to fall was turning into wet slush by the time it got to the ground. Matt was a good guy and didn't even run any lights or stop signs.

We were immediately admitted at 4am, though since I was leaking so much, they didn't check how dilated I was. One of the most annoying parts was that I had to wear a very thick pad most of the rest of the time because I was so drippy (I'm talking thick, adult diaper like). I hadn't had any contractions so we just had to wait around in our room. We both were really excited.

The main problem in the morning was that it took the nurses four tries to put in an IV. I wanted to shoot for a natural childbirth but I consented to them at least setting an IV since it's easier for them to put it in early than later when I'd be dehydrated and it'd be harder in the event I needed something. They had a few tries in my left arm, drew vitals but then also gave me something- I can't remember now what it was - but it started to swell in my arm (which then bruised) so then they tried a few places in my right arm and ended up placing the IV in my wrist, which was awful (but preferable to my hand because that really is sensitive and hurts me). The wrist IV became a real irritant later because I couldn't really put weight on my right arm without crunching this IV tube in my wrist. They also did a little ultrasound and thought maybe he was sunny side up (meaning he'd come out face up instead of face down). I tried to nap a little but felt really energetic, though I can't quite remember where the time went.

Because we came in so early, we went through several shifts of doctors and nurses, who kept coming in and out to introduce themselves. (And our OB was actually on call the next day so we met the OB, Dr. Clark, who would actually be there for our delivery, my first male doctor as an adult).

Matt was pretty excited that our room was 177 -- he was born in 1977. And this was Monday, February 25, 2013 -- and his lucky number (and high school basketball number) was 25.

Matt was pretty excited about the hospital food but I was immediately on a liquid only diet.

I ate some canned peaches from the snacks we brought (my friends warned me I'd be really hungry after birth and to pack snacks in the event that I delivered after the kitchen was closed) and drank some chicken broth twice over the next few hours. Nothing happened until 9am when I finally started having contractions. Turns out I had experienced some mild contractions; I just thought it was Carsen stretching out. I think they checked me then and I was at 4cm dilated. Whenever they checked my cervix, it seemed like I was dilating about a cm/hour. At that rate, we thought maybe I'd deliver by mid afternoon.

The next few hours seemed to go pretty quickly. Sometimes I'd have to sit in the bed while they monitored Carsen's heart rate; luckily it was always strong. I had requested to have only necessary (not continual) fetal monitoring because I wanted to be able to move around. But as it turned out, I was pretty uncomfortable with the huge, wet pad between my legs and nothing really felt good but sitting. I tried a few different positions but it turned out I only really liked sitting in the rocking chair or sitting in the bed because I could brace myself during contractions, whereas things like squatting or hanging on the bed or hanging on Matt made me too tired. Sitting on the toilet felt good too but I tried to just pee and get up again. I really had no interest in walking around, though we tried a walk in the hall once, because once a contraction hit, I just wanted to sit down or lean over onto something like the handicap bars they have lining the walls (but that hurts because of my stupid IV in my wrist).

My contractions were all in my lower back and they were (at first) achy then progressively more painful. I'd describe it like a very bad lower back ache that peaks for 30 seconds or so and all I wanted to do was just clutch something and dig my feet into the ground.

The only thing that felt better was circling my hips while rocking in the rocking chair. It was painful but because it (somewhat slowly) progressed, it seems like I just gradually got used to the pain. That said, I did throw up four times over the hours; I felt so much better though after puking. I didn't want any painkillers and for most of the day, it felt very possible.

The strangest part was that I seemed to black out/fall asleep between contractions. We played Frank Sinatra on Pandora most of the day and that helped to rock to the music and use that timing. My mom came at some point, as did my dad; I have no idea what others were doing, except Matt who was always by my side and holding my hand.

The nurses came in and out, took blood pressure, monitored Carsen's heartbeat and sometimes monitored my contractions. By 1 or 2pm, I had progressed to 8cm. This surprised me a bit because I figured- hey that means I'm almost done; this is going very quickly considering...

I'd read that the next phase- transition from 8 to 10- is the most intense and can be the most painful. I figured I could make it another few hours. Painkillers did sound enticing at times but I figured I'd made it that far so far, and I didn't have too much longer. But it actually took quite a bit longer than the 1cm/hr. By around 4pm, I was only at 8.5-9cm.

Time seemed to both pass quickly and slowly. By that time, I was mainly just sitting in the bed with the head raised so I could watch the clock. I remembered that at this phase, contractions should be 60-90 seconds long about every two minutes, the most intensely painful part being about 30 seconds before it tapered off. So I'd watch the clock, feeling when the contraction started then it'd build and I'd watch for 30 or 40 seconds to pass while counting my breaths -- 3-4 count inhale (I couldn't get more in) and 5 or so exhale. At one point, I asked Matt to help me count. It helped take my mind off the pain, and/or I could think okay, just breath for the next one minute and this one will be over, that's only six exhales of it being bad...

I'd also read that transition is generally 45-60 minutes...

So again, whenever they offered painkillers, I just kept thinking I've already put up with this much; it's got to be getting over soon. Surely I can hold out. I just don't want to give in now and feel like I didn't try to accomplish this without drugs, since that was my goal. Maybe it's silly but I'd just felt like I really wanted to experience this naturally, to see what I could do, to see what so many women have experienced... And Matt and our nurse Kasey were so supportive and she kept telling me that I really was almost there and she thought I could do it.

I did ask how late I could request something (which is pretty much until you're pushing, although I knew it takes time for the anesthesiologist to come to your room and it was a crazy, busy night I kept hearing, then it can take 20mins to take effect). Plus the thought of an epidural freaked me out (a shot into my spine, my legs being numbed.... no thanks, I thought) and sometimes with an epidural, you have to get a catheter. When I heard that, I was really opposed because during my car accident surgery, that was one of my least favorite parts; it sucked; I swore I'd do anything to avoid a catheter again.

And honestly, in the moment, even though during the peak of each contraction (which I claimed at the time was a 7-8 out of 10 on the pain scale), I thought- wow, I don't think I can actually handle this. I really don't think I can really get this baby out. I have no idea how much longer I can take this... - that contraction would taper off and I could breath again and sometimes I would smile at Matt and just feel so much love for him (and my parents) and feel like- wow, it's already been like 12 hours and I have no idea where the time went but I've made it here and it's not that much longer now. It's just the better part of pushing, which the doctor told me would feel much better than the transition. That is also what I'd read- pushing feels better. I 100% disagree.

One of the worst parts was that I wouldn't be coached to push until I was fully 10cm dilated. But every time the nurse checked me, I was JUST about 10cm but apparently there was still a little piece of cervix in the way. When I had contractions, she tried to help me by pushing the piece out of the way, and asked me to visualize it moving out of the way. Of course, I couldn't actually feel that so it was hard plus it was very painful. It actually really helped to have her fingers inside me; she'd push down on my perineum, which made it feel like I had to poop, and asked me to concentrate on pushing there.

My friend Nickol had said that childbirth felt more like pooping, so honestly I just thought about trying to take a big poop (which being that I just gotten constipated for the first time the whole pregnancy in the last week, was an appealing thought- and yes, I did poop multiple times during childbirth, and no, I didn't give a crap ;) ).

Sometime around 5pm, I finally could be considered 10cm but then needed to wait until I felt the "urge to push," which they described would feel like I really needed to poop (it does). It took some time before I really felt the urge to push.

Then I was coached to wait until the most intense part of the contraction, when it had really built up, take a deep breath, hold it, and push with my contraction (like I was pushing out a big poop, that's what it feels like, but painful). And I was to push three times per contraction.

For me, pushing was the most painful part of labor. The first two pushes felt awful but the third push usually felt really good (like right before the poop falls out, as you can feel it moving down and making progress and feeling relief). But what I thought would only take maybe an hour... took over THREE HOURS.

At some point, everyone kept saying "we can see his head. He has so much hair!" as his head was trying to move under my pelvic bone.

But each of my two first pushes just got him to where he'd been the previous contraction; the third push was the one that would make progress, but as soon as I let up, he would slide back inside (which I couldn't really feel). So I was only making centimeters of progress each time.

It was so frustrating and, despite that I'd read that being on your back can make it slower, they had me low on my butt on the edge of the bed with my feet raised (which Matt and my mom and the nurse took turns holding sometimes when my feet weren't in stirrups or weren't on this bed bar they installed) and I had to "curl up around the baby" and hold my hamstrings, which the nurse said would help me push him under and up from my pelvic bone. So every time I pushed, I tried to think about his head moving under and up to the ceiling.

At one point, I asked for a mirror (which it took them forever to bring) because I wanted to see for myself what everyone was talking about. All I could see was a circle of hair about an inch or two in diameter. It made me feel discouraged instead of encouraged. And then they wanted me to watch while I pushed, which was impossible (I had to close my eyes and concentrate) so I think I yelled "no, I don't want to look anymore!" That was really my only mean point. That and I snapped at my mom to stop wiping my forehead with a cloth.

I was also given the advice to "get mad at that baby and get him out." Ummm... yeh... I am. More so, in my mind, I was pleading with him "Carsen, please help me get you out. Carsen, please move down. Please help me get you out."

Another frustrating part was that I knew
1- it was way too late for any kind of relief; I just had to get through it, and
2- the doctor would have to be in the room for the baby to be delivered (or I didn't know what they'd do... ask me to stop pushing?).
 So the doctor would come into the room to check on me then leave. Each time he left, I knew that meant I wasn't that close. It made me feel so discouraged because I was working so hard and it hurt so much and I was getting so tired. Eventually it was even time for a shift change so we got a new nurse, who wasn't nearly as attentive as the last- she kept leaving me and going to the computer to type stuff, which also made me feel like well, it must not be about to happen on this push.

Eventually, I was so tired, and had sideaches, and could barely feel my contractions anymore so instead of pushing at the peak of the contraction (which I couldn't feel as strongly now), I just guessed when the peak was and would push mainly with mental determination. I was honestly starting to feel so desperate. I felt like screaming "someone just pull him out." or "I don't even care about having a c-section, I can't keep doing this." So when the doctor finally returned and told me (I don't think it was a question for my consent) that I'd been pushing for three hours and was not being productive so they were giving me pitocin (a drug to intensify contractions), I was more than happy to consent to that. I needed help. I was exhausted and seriously wondering if I could actually finish pushing him out.

One of the reasons I also hadn't wanted an epidural was because often, I'd read, they then have to give pitocin to help kick up the contractions, which makes them more intense and more painful. True, definitely more intense with pitocin, and everything then felt more painful. It took maybe 10-15 minutes or so to take effect but then I could feel my contractions again ramped up. Now, thankfully, the doctor stayed (I think).

I was still pushing and pushing to get his head past my pelvic bone. This was so painful... I can't even describe. Was the pain a 10 of 10? ... I don't know, probably not (hey, having a fractured arm moved around to be xrayed, that's a definite 10). But it was such a sharp pain, different than the pain I'd been in thus far.

At some point, I also screamed during most of the pushes. A very loud, primal scream (but Matt claims not to remember it). The doctor, while I appreciate that he was probably just trying to get me to use my energy to push, kept saying "stop screaming and push." Dammit guy, I AM pushing! Have you ever had a baby?!? I wanted to punch Dr. Clark. Stop screaming and push. WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THREE HOURS?!

Honestly a few times I thought the pain might just nearly kill me. And I still couldn't image how I would fully get this baby out. It felt like my entire crotch was being torn open. I'm not exaggerating.

At some point (I'm actually not sure which order this went in now) the doctor told me that my bladder was really full (since I obviously hadn't peed in a long time) and he was putting in a catheter to relieve my bladder and make more space. Great, I thought, I have a catheter after all, but in combination with the rest of the pain I was in, it was just a quick cold prick. I didn't actually feel my bladder empty...

Either just before or after that, he also told me he was going to have to use the vacuum to help me get the head under the pelvic bone. So three times while I pushed, he suctioned Carsen's head to help get it moving, which to me, felt like more pressure and a pulling sensation in addition to my pushing that felt very intense and painful. But at that point, I was willing to consent to about anything that would help.

And each push I'd hear "go go go go go, PUSH!! You've really got to PUSH! He's coming. You've got to really PUSH though." 

Then I did overhear the doctor saying that he needed to make more room and was giving me an episiotomy (cutting the perineum). I wasn't actually consulted on this that I recall, but I was so desperate at that point, I really didn't care. So he numbed me and made the cut. Again, combined with the rest of the pain I was in, I wouldn't say I really felt any of that. 

All of this part felt very frantic and a little scary to me. 

Unbelievably long later (can't even believe I was lasting), I finally heard the doctor and Matt saying "there's his head, here's his head!! He's here! He's coming!!" That was a little motivating but the pain was so sharp and intense still, and I think I might've still be screaming. Good, I thought, now he'll just slide right out like I've seen in those birth videos.  

Nope! Then the worst part of all, pushing out the shoulders. That was surely the worst part because I thought I was done but then I still had that... and let me tell ya, this kid has wide shoulders. I thought they might break me. 

But then suddenly, he finally slide right out- it felt very hot and wet and slimy down there. And I was so relieved and in disbelief that it was over. Matt was saying something about him being here. But I could only think that I was just so glad it was over. 

Carsen is in the world!

Matt was so sweet and smiling

Matt got to cut the cord. We were surprised by how clean he looked. They hadn't even bathed him (they didn't for many hours). Then the next part that I didn't expect was that instead of just pushing out the placenta, the doctor was pulling it out while the nurse basically pushed on my stomach so hard, it felt like she trying to give my CPR. That was really uncomfortable and I wasn't really prepared for what they were going to do. And the doctor stitched me up, which I somewhat felt.

I think the first thing I said to Carsen was something like "hi there! You're here. You're so beautiful." I remember thinking how cute he was but that his nose looked kinda smashed and he looked like he had no chin. He had such pretty brown hair and steel blue eyes, and long fingers. I expected and hoped for a feeling of deep, intense, happy in-love for him. Honestly really I was just so relieved and tired. 

Surprisingly though, my pain level was very low. Even a few hours later, I said it was only at a 2 out of 10, though I did take Ibuprofin. 

We went skin to skin

first meal

Ta da, world- I am here!

Carsen Mathew- born Monday, February 25, 2013, 8:44pm.

According to my dad, Carsen was born just as the Celtics beat the Jazz in overtime. Matt was thrilled.

Eating Daddy's finger

8 lbs 8 oz, 21 inches at birth

first bath

We ended up having to spend two nights in the hospital because they like to keep newborns at least 24 hours and they wouldn't discharge us at night. We were more than ready to go home...

(Unknowingly) Our Last Weekend Before Baby

Well, here we are. Within the two weeks before baby's due date. Last week around Wed, I started losing the mucus plug (but without bloody show). The mucus plug - an eggwhite-ish gel blob that plugs the cervix opening to prevent infections, like the cork of a wine bottle - can come out weeks before labor though, as the cervix dilates, effaces (shortens) and softens.

Luckily we FINALLY met up with our photographer to take some maternity shots. I really love a particular engagement picture of ours (one in which we're sitting in a windowsill) and wanted to recreate it but with me pregnant. But... it'll probably be awhile before we see those photos because our photographer then just went on vacation for two weeks. At least we got them shot while I was still pregnant. This is a sneak peek that Matt took.

37.5 weeks

38 Weeks: Baby has really plumped up. He weighs about 6.8 pounds and she's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). He has a firm grasp. His organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb. Wondering what color his eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If he's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If he's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time he's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after he's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)

This weekend we just ran some errands, cleaned, and had some friends over for dinner and Wii (which was nice because for awhile, I actually forgot about being pregnant... the discomfort, the anticipation, etc). Sunday I was pretty emotional, both hoping that Carsen would arrive soon to end my discomfort and to finally be able to meet him and stop wondering when it will all change, and hoping he stayed in so we had maybe just a little more time. In the morning, my mom and I went for a 3 mile walk, which this time actually felt good. In the afternoon, Matt and I went for a drive to the mountains then watched the Celtics/Blazers game while eating a pizza. Little did we know what was to come...

A Lil Pisces for Us

Last week seemed to last forever. Maybe it's just the excitement/anticipation/anxious waiting since our life as we know it is quickly about to change. At least I've been slammed at work so the day passes by somewhat, except by the end of the day, I'm beat and brain-fried. Good thing Matt doesn't mind cooking :)

Not a lot more nesting to do...

We had a nice, quiet Valentine's Day. Matt made a delicious salmon with pineapple/raspberry/peach salsa. AND bought me the most beautiful roses. I hope that's what I get for V Day from now on, I love it. They smell so good! I don't care what anyone says- fresh flowers are awesome and women love them (and guys, any gal who says she doesn't... she's lying... I've said that; I was lying).

For Matt's gift, he's had this fantasy of decorating (well, at first it was) the garage with replicas of the Boston Celtics' championship banners, like they have hanging in the Garden, and you can buy them but they're really expensive (like $50+ each, and there are 17 of them). So I'm attempting to make them of felt myself. It would've been easier to cut out green letters and apply them to the white than to cut out the white, but there wasn't enough green felt at the store and I wanted it to have a green background. I was hoping to have them all done by V Day but I didn't buy the materials in time then I had no time to work on it without Matt knowing. I had to sneak out to my parents' house one night just to finish one for V Day. Luckily he was very happy (claims it's the nicest gift anyone's made him; he's easy to please at least!). Guess I have an art project to work on before baby... And good thing I did that because I had ordered Matt his favorite cake from this bakery in town then totally forgot to pick it up. I really am getting forgetful. Pregnancy brain is totally hitting. It's annoying.

I'm also getting much more uncomfortable this week. Still have heartburn and indigestion. Carsen's movements feel huge sometimes! Check out what I think was his butt (because I'm pretty sure his feet were what was kicking me under my left rib, you can see a little bulge there too). I doesn't hurt but it's not exactly comfortable; feels like you think it would feel- like someone inside you stretching out and stretching your skin. If the skin just above that in my upper abdomen didn't sting so much, I wouldn't complain but lately it's been painful enough to keep me awake. I've started applying ice to it.

And sleeping is starting to becoming an issue too. There's the peeing every 2 hrs but also the hip/glut pain and now there's a new dull back pain at some point in the night. I can usually make it til about 4-5am then I'm really uncomfortable. Sleeping mostly sitting up has become a nearly nightly thing. It also helps with the heartburn. Not to be complaining about this miracle of pregnancy but I can totally see why women say they're just about sick of it and over it by this point. Yep. I can't imagine going late; one of my friends from h.s. just delivered TEN days late!! Ugh. And I take back whatever I've said about it being cool to have twins; double the uncomforableness, no thanks. But whereas I have been saying to Matt, "no, I can deal with this longer, I want Carsen to be nice and healthy when he comes...," I'm getting to saying "ummm, yeh, not really ANY day now but pretty close to that... I'd like to be able to breathe easily again, and walk, and eat." Plus I had felt like I hoped to go to our March 10 due date because of all the work I'd get done at work; that'd be the perfect day to have it all wrapped up because it's the start of the conference I'm really involved in. But now I could care less; in fact I'd love to be pulled out of work at any time. Loose ties hanging? Sorry coworkers, I know you can deal... I've done a lot of good work into documenting and trying to keep things in really good shape to prepare for my leave. Wouldn't mind being done.

I finally had a nice dream about Carsen too, except that I woke up (in my dream) not pregnant and having no memory of giving birth; he was in his bassinet and was quite a bit bigger than newborn size. But, no joke, he looked EXACTLY like Matt in my dream. Not like Matt looked as a baby. Like Matt as a kid from pics I've seen/ Matt as an adult but in baby form, but with blue eyes. I just stared at him in the dream and thought, "wow he didn't get anything from me." But boy was he cute :) And he didn't turn into anything. Just a normal baby.

So I can stop worrying about too early of a birth now. Thank goodness we've made it! 37 Weeks: Baby is now considered "full term," even though the due date is three weeks away. If he comes now, his lungs will likely be mature enough to fully adjust to life outside the womb. (Some babies need a bit more time, though.) Baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if baby's hair isn't the same color as Mom and Dad. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

Look at that BELLY!

As of today, he made it to being a Pisces! If you think astrology has any kind of bearing (I think there's some truth to it), according to babycenter, Pisces is the Dreamer: A deeply creative imagination enhances your Pisces child's experience of life, imbuing it with varied hues and shimmering possibilities. You might find him staring off into space, but there's plenty going on in that unfathomable mind -- feelings, impressions, and bits of intuition woven together in a rich mosaic of perception. Pisces children are incredibly tender and compassionate, and they need extra affection from their parents. Your little Pisces may want to be held nonstop as a baby and will still need plenty of hugs, kisses, and encouragement as he grows older. Pisces children are often more concerned with their instincts than with logic, and more interested in their dreams or fantasies than in "real life." As the parent of a Pisces child, you can help to ground him in reality; avoidance and escapism are typical Piscean traits. So is idealism. Your Pisces child may have grand visions of the way life could and should be, which will then fall flat in the harsh light of reality. Since your little Pisces is so emotionally sensitive (as well as physically and psychically), you'll need to be careful which people and influences you expose him to and what you feed him. Don't be surprised if he brings home stray kittens and other friends in need. His heart's capacity to love and serve is enormous -- sometimes to a fault. Your Pisces child needs to protect himself against people who would take advantage of his giving and gullible nature, and that's one area in which you, as his parent, can step in.

We'll have to see over time if he ends up resembling this description. I just like what it says about Scorpio parents (both Matt and me): Your Pisces child possesses a deeply feeling nature, just like you do, and he shares your primary need for a devoted emotional connection with a loved one. You make a wonderful parent-child match, because your instinct as a parent is to forge a strong, sure bond with your child. You also love the way your little Pisces understands your feelings, even from a young age. You can be rather intense, but your child's sweet, affectionate nature is one of the few that's able to soften you up a little. In fact, go out of your way to be particularly sensitive with your little Pisces. He isn't as emotionally resilient and self-protective as you are, so you should take care to understand and preserve his feelings, even while you help him build his psychic strength -- so important in this sometimes harsh world.

A perfect match! Well chosen, Carsen! Although... Heberling men tend to be already sensitive ;)

Well, our O.B. had said she thinks he'll be earlier than March 10... but as of yesterday's check-up, I haven't progressed since last week. Still 2.5cm dilated. Ugh, she thinks he might be a big baby though. I asked if it was unusual that he hasn't dropped yet and she thinks he's just trying to maximize his available space. When Matt asked her how big she thought he might be, her guess was 8lbs 12oz!! WHOA! That sounds HUGE!! And strangely, I haven't gained weight in the last two weeks and this week it looks like I lost a pound.

Honestly last week I felt a little freaked out that he could be early. But today I find myself disappointed that I haven't progressed any further. It's this weird anxious feeling of wanting it to be the time and also feeling freaked that it might be the time... I don't know. I'm trying and will keep trying to just enjoy the present (which we'll never have again- this peace, this freedom) but I also feel discouraged like it's soooo long that I still have to wait and wonder when it will be and how I'll know and how everything will go and what comes next. And the things I'd like to do before he arrives, we won't. Like I really, really, really wanted to go to the coast this weekend suddenly. But it looked like the weather would only be okay on Sunday, plus I didn't think I'd be up for that long of a car ride (I'm already so uncomfortable in the car). Plus we didn't want to spend the money or be that far from home, just in case. So... anyhow... just waiting...

Less than one month til due date!

I can't believe this! 36 Weeks: baby is still packing on the weight at the rate of about an ounce a day. He now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. He's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered his body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected his skin during the nine-month amniotic bath. Baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of his first bowel movement. At the end of this week, baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.)

So... what this is saying is... after this Saturday, it'd be totally normal for him to come and he'd be considered full-term. Wow. So anytime in the next 1-4 weeks, we could be having a baby.

That's such a terrifying thing to me! Matt is really excited and ready for him to come any day. For me, I just keep thinking of it like this-- any time now I could be faced with the most physically painful and intense experience of my life, which will completely change my life forever. Tell me that isn't just a bit nerve-wracking.

Especially since in the last week, I've had some interesting new pains that seriously have me questioning myself... First, I went to prenatal yoga last week, which is really not much. I actually am finding yoga challenging for the first time though, only took me being 8 mos pregnant (well... bikram yoga is hard but only because it's 104'F and 90 mins long; otherwise, again, it's just stretching). Anyhow I went because my gluts/IT bands in my hips have been hurting at night and I wasn't pushing it but about 75% through the class, I got stuck in some position in which I had sharp pains shooting through the ligaments in my groin when I tried to move even slightly. It was incredibly painful and a little scary. I honestly felt like my bones had solidified into concrete and I couldn't move even an mm without shooting pains. It took me several minutes to get into a normal seated position and I had to put my legs with my hands to move them. Then I was limping the rest of the night. I've never felt anything like that, except... it was a little like when I had tendonitis in my groin when I was 18 and running competitively in h.s. I'm assuming I just aggravated the ligaments/tendons that are already working on stretching out. Sleeping that night was horrible but by the next morning, I felt barely any soreness.

But then, the next night, I got up during one of my 5 pee breaks (every 1.5hrs) and as soon as I stood up, it felt like a bowling ball was dropped onto all my lower organs, causing me to double over groaning. It hurt so bad I couldn't stand up, and I thought I was going to pee myself, so I had to hobble to the toilet. Then it was so sore the rest of the night and I struggled to sleep and turn over. It really made me wonder- will I be able to handle contractions? Cause whatever the heck that was, I do NOT want to repeat it. Since then, it's happened a few more times but not to that severity. I'm guessing it was just shifting his weight as I stood, and/or he's working on dropping more into my pelvis. If I take 30-60 secs to first sit up, then sit on the edge of the bed, then very slowly rise, I don't have the feeling.

This weekend, we tried to do the rest of the prep work for baby-- finished hanging things in his room, washed the rest of his outfits and put away, organized some things laying about, installed the carseat, started packing a bag for the hospital, bought a few more items we felt like we needed before his arrival...

I was really excited for this weekend because we were supposed to have some maternity shots taken, but our photographer apparently is getting sick so we have to postpone. Hopefully we can take some before I actually have this kid. I've been trying to book with her for a month.

So my FB rant about the fire dept. was because we were told in our childbirth class (and had read a few places) that most people install carseats incorrectly. Yes, the delivery nurses who walk us out from the hospital will briefly check it but they won't fix it for you. We heard that the fire dept. will check that we installed it correctly on the last Wed. of the month. Well the last Wed of Jan, we didn't have a carseat yet and if Carsen comes early enough, we might not make it to the last Wed of Feb. So Matt had called to see if they'd be willing to just check it for him if he stopped by, and was told by a very irritated woman that's it's "people like [us] who make [her] job harder and make [her] work longer than required." Umm, okay, well, we were just trying to be safe for our newborn baby but don't worry about it. I just find it irritating how rude she was. Apparently though she gives a little demo/lecture about how to do it so she thinks that takes some time. Matt had already read the instruction manual and attempted it (seemed easy to us) so how much time would it really take her? He ended up talking to someone else who looked at it this morning and verified that yes, most people do it wrong but Matt had done it mostly right and she showed him how to tighten it (which we were having trouble with).

Well, as of our appointment this morning, I'm now 80% effaced (up from 50% last week) and 2.5cm dilated (up from 1cm) so progress is being made. Again, this is apparently normal and there's still no telling when he'll arrive but she said again that she doesn't think I'll go to March 10 or past it. And again, he could be either a week older than we think or he could just be a long/tall baby. We'll just have to wait and see. Apparently I could stay where I am for weeks or continue to slowly make progress. And I might not drop til the very end so I guess I shouldn't hold my breath for that (although I am holding my breath to a degree, being that he's putting pressure on my diaphragm).

In light of having 1-4 weeks left, here's my reflection on things I will and won't miss about being pregnant...

(The Short List of) Things I'll Miss About Being Pregnant:
* feeling him move inside me and knowing that's a sign he's healthy
* the strange/cool changes of my body; as weird as they are, it is interesting
* thinking that I can almost eat whatever I want with the excuse that I'm pregnant (this is not actually true, particularly in practice)
* asking Matt to help me with socks and shoes, and whatever else I need, and having a good reason for not being able to do so myself
* having people notice the exciting thing that's going on for me (people really don't comment as much as I thought they would, and no one I don't know has tried to touch me, but I feel like people stare at me much more often now, which doesn't bother me... I don't particularly enjoy it but it reminds me a little of living in Southern Texas and being a minority with my blonde hair and blue eyes and the attention that draws. It's just... interesting).
* having something so exciting and terrifying and mystifying to look forward to
* the anticipation of what it will be like 
* not worrying about a period

Things I Won't Miss About Being Pregnant:
* heartburn and popping Tums
* indigestion
* feeling like I'm unable to get that last, satisfying amount of air in
* not being able to fit into my clothes and feeling like most of my outfits are uncomfortable in some way
* fighting my feelings of looking huge/chubby/gross and worrying about how much weight I've gained
* feeling guilty any day that I don't walk/workout
* all the books/materials I feel like I have to read in advance
* not knowing when he'll come and knowing I'm not really prepared even if I'm as prepared as I can be
* all the new, weird pains that come and go
* having to eat such small portions
* avoiding juice, raw broccoli, usually chocolate, spicy foods...
* avoiding sushi and being careful about non-pasteurized cheeses
* not getting to have a beer just once in awhile
* feeling guilty about not eating totally clean and/or taking Tums or Tylenol (because it affects not just me)
* having 20mins of walking wear me out
* having to pee every 4mins while working out
* having to pee every 1.5hrs at night regardless of how much water I've drank
* when he really is moving up a storm; it's pretty distracting and not exactly comfortable
* shortened baths because he starts squirming and I worry that the water is too hot
* the anticipation of what it will be like
* intimacy accomodations
* lack of libido
* having to roll over so many times at night because I'm uncomfortable and/or sleeping sitting slightly upright when all else fails
* not lying on my back
* the 1st trimester exhaustion
* the 1st trimester nipple pain
* the 3rd trimester painful-to-the-touch feeling in my upper abdomen

Haha, someone asked me about my "glow" during pregnancy... I dunno, I wouldn't say I never felt a glow, but I wouldn't say it's a permanent or frequent state either.

That's not to say that I'm totally ready to be done being pregnant and have this baby today... I'd rather he waits another 3 weeks (if not the full 4 til his due date). Or 2 at least.

And the Doctor Says...

Our O.B. said this morning that we are looking good: I'm waiting normal weight; Carsen's heartbeat sounds strong and he is head down.

Also I'm already 50% effaced. For those new to the term (which I just learned this weekend), effacement is the process by which the cervix prepares for delivery. After the baby has engaged in the pelvis, it gradually drops closer to the cervix; the cervix gradually softens, shortens and becomes thinner. Effacement is measured in percentages. When you are 100% effaced or completely effaced, your cervix is paper-thin and labor is right around the corner. For first timers, the cervix will usually efface before it dilates.
Our doctor said though this is normal for 35 weeks.

Check out this chart! 10cm is HUGE!

And I'm 1cm dilated. The cervix not only shortens and thins (effacement) but also opens (dilates) to 10cm for birth. Apparently being 1cm dilated is also normal/not uncommon for where we are. Seriously this chart I find shocking though. How exactly is my cervix going to dilate that large?! Doesn't it look HUGE?! Maybe I just have an unrealistic idea of how large my body/hips/etc is but I just keep looking at this thinking "how in the world would it be able to get that big? I can't even envision a circle this large between my legs."

Kinda crazy, our O.B. could actually feel his head... At first I thought she said he was head down because of where she picked up his heartbeat with her monitor. Plus on my left side up by my ribs, you can see a bulge and it looks like it could be his butt. (I've thought he's mainly head down for that reason. I feel what I think are his feet kicking me in the ribs a lot and he seems to usually be head down or sideways/lopsided, but tends to favor the left side. Plus when he hiccups, I feel it hitting my pelvis, really low. But no, she could feel his head with her fingers while checking my cervix. Weird huh?

She also reminded us that the ultrasound technician thought our baby looked big and would've moved his due date up to March 3. They didn't change his due date since it wasn't more than 10 days difference and most babies come within two weeks of their due date. So she said we either are having a baby who is just longer/leaner like us, which is why he looked larger than the technician thought he should be at 19 weeks, or he's actually a week older than we think and he thus might come sooner. Obviously no guarantee either way. Just a guess.

Bottom line in her mind though is that he probably won't be late, or very late (maybe a day or so). It sounded like she doubts we'd make it to our due date. We told her about our Pick'em (the picks that are still in the running for $$) and she's guessing that either the Feb. 25 or the March 3 guesses were possible; she says she really doubts I'd make it to March 14.

Obviously time will tell...

An Early Spring But What About Baby?

February... our (potential) last month without kids. Happy birthday to my dad yesterday! :) Btw Punxsutawney Phil apparently did NOT see his shadow, thus an early spring. (Incidentally, did you know that they really do have a festival just like in the movie "Groundhog's Day?" Look up videos of it; they must've captured it 100% accurately in the movie!)

Guess I should say something about it being the Superbowl today... umm, I'm just glad The Bachelor is on twice this week to make up for all this football ;) I'm just not into either team (Carsen, for historical purposes, it was the Ravens 34-31 over the 49ers). Seriously though, they need a better halftime show; Matt and I decided it either should be an athletic competition or (even better!) an animal athletic competition (like the dog distance jumping we saw at the state fair).

35 Weeks: baby doesn't have much room to maneuver now that he's over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/4 pounds (like a honeydew melon). (Umm, I disagree with this so far) Because it's so snug in the womb, he isn't likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times he kicks should remain about the same. His kidneys are fully developed now, and his liver can process some waste products. Most of his basic physical development is now complete — he'll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

Excuse the stomach shots but it's really crazy to see him moving. It's a little uncomfortable but it's pretty cool/weird. He had the hiccups but then also started squirming around. The angle is as I see it looking down, best I can do. 

So far, I wouldn't say Carsen has slowed down his movements. Some days, he's really active, then he'll go for a few days being more subtle. But he can really kick. It hurts when he keeps kicking me in that sore area below my pecs. What's funny is that now we can distinguish a foot sometimes, usually in my side under my ribs, and if we tickle it, he'll pull it back in or sometimes kick. Ahhh.

Wow, I can't believe how little time we have until he's here! Just five weeks til his due date (March 10). That means that he'll be considered full term in just three weeks (Feb. 24). I'm just hoping we make it past Feb. 18 because then he'll be my lil Pisces baby, though I would like to be sure he's healthy and not too early.

Since we're now in the month of the first picks, let's look at our Baby Pick'Em again! Guesses of birth day ranged from Feb. 25 to March 23 (ummmmm, 13 days late?! No!) For either gender, the chart below in green shows the ranges. Most are guessing we'll be several days late.

This next chart shows the same data but also whether or not they also guessed the sex correctly (blue is boy). THREE people picked a boy on March 14... hmm, we'll have to go to the weight tie-breaker if that's the case.

I'm really surprised that so many chose days after our due date. I think the statistics are that babies are generally born in the two weeks before their due date. But I won't complain if he's a day or so late.

Yesterday was our childbirth class. Since I've done so much reading, it was mainly review for me but Matt learned a lot so it's worth it. The labor nurses who taught the course tried to make it fun by giving us prizes for asking questions and for volunteering to demonstrate. They packed the six hours pretty full and I'm not really sure what else I'd want them to cover, though maybe some sort of overview of the first few months of development after birth. As it was, they discussed the process of labor, (briefly) laboring positions, options for pain management, the McMoyler method for breathing (and a little practice), post delivery processes, initial breastfeeding, infant CPR (and some practice), how to put on a diaper and how to swaddle. Matt's pretty good at swaddling. I thought they'd do more of having us practice positions together (like you see in movies); I guess you just do what feels better at that time.

Gotta be honest that I still want to do it without pain medication. And as for breathing, I think I'll try some of their timed/rhythmic breathing, but during one stage, they suggest a "hee haw;" it didn't even feel comfortable, totally weird and forced, think I'll opt out of that. Most of the labor process just made me feel confident and I thought "ya know what, when it's time, I'm excited to experience it all," until they talked about the transition period (when the cervix opens from 8cm to 10cm, baby descends more into pelvis and the next stage of labor begins- pushing), which is supposed to be the most intense and painful period. Yikes. Just hearing about it makes me nervous. Let's hope it goes quickly then.

The highlight of the class, which we didn't know about until it was almost time, was that they brought in a couple that took the course last month and their 6-day old baby. They demonstrated giving her a sponge bath. She was so little!! They said she was 8lbs, born one day after her due date. I felt a little relieved actually because they kept showing us this "newborn" doll and he looked huge. Seeing the real thing made me feel a lot better. And she was so precious looking! I'm super excited now. I can't wait to hold my lil Carsen.

I'm really curious about the whole "love at first sight" concept, which I keep reading is a birthing myth to some degree, at least it doesn't happen to every parent. Some mothers don't feel in love with their babies for days, weeks or even months. Well dang. That was the part I'm looking forward to most. But I envision that I'll love him from first sight. Matt and I were talking about how strange it is now because we have some feelings for him, but we don't know him, we haven't "spent time" with him, so do we really "love" him yet? So far, he's more of a concept, a vision, a dream. Anyhow.

I did learn about lightening, or when he'll drop into my pelvis. Somehow I did not think about this, but now I'm looking forward to it. Apparently with a first pregnancy, it can happen weeks early. Now, I get that it'll make it more uncomfortable on my bladder; I can't imagine having to pee more often than I already do. But it'll be so nice (I imagine) to not have my stomach so smashed = easier to breathe, maybe less heartburn, maybe able to eat a little more.

Later last week, I actually had a few days in which I noticed my appetite increase. Unfortunately I ignored my hunger initially so eventually I felt so hungry I could've puked, or eaten anything. It was intense. Friday I actually could eat regular amounts of food; it was nice.

I wouldn't really say I've had many cravings during this pregnancy. Here are the things I remember wanting (never together, and usually only for a few days then I was over them): refried bean & cheese burritos, raspberry scones, donuts (plain glazed or chocolate glazed), almond roca (xmas), sour patch kids, Jamba Juice, fruit, yogurt and yogurt parfaits, toasted cheesy bagels with cream cheese. No weird combinations.

How adorable is Matt; this is the lunch he made me last week

This week, we start seeing our O.B. once a week until birth, including a full exam so we'll start seeing how my cervix is dilating (how open; 10cm is pushing time) and its percentage of effacement (how thick; it thins out for birth). I'll keep y'all posted.

Naptime for Jack and Ellie

Cute pic of Parker showing me where the baby is
(Parker was just a baby bump that size during my wedding!)