Beach Getaway*

Matt & I went on our first weekend getaway together to Depoe Bay this weekend. We were a little hoping it'd be a baby-creating weekend but we'll have to see how effective that was. The weather was fairly nice considering the time of year on the Oregon Coast. We stayed in a B&B (my first time in one), which was interesting to say the least. Namely I'm not sure how crazy I am about B&Bs, but moreso about staying in one in which Matt had previously stayed. 'nough said there. Suffice it to say he thought that at least he knew it was a nice place and that he had always wanted to create an actually good and happy experience there. So, oh, I gave him one :)

We had a delicious dinner overlooking the ocean, walked on the beach and had a very nice time... though next time, he's agreed to leave the dogs at home, because while there is practically nothing more fun than taking dogs to the beach, they were so hyped up, even at night, that none of us slept. Maybe that's something we'll have to get used to anyhow...

Another Month to...*

enjoy my body on its own...
enjoy the hormones and fluxes I have naturally...
appreciate still being a childless newlywed couple...
tone my body and work off 5-10lbs...
really push myself running...
finish the nice bottle of wine I bought...
enjoy restful nights full of sleep...
save our money for all our various goals and plans...
study for my CMP exam...
enjoy my energy without feeling tired...
drink plenty of coffee...
eat whatever I want without any guilt... (except also following our Body For Life plan)
jump plenty of rope...
read and research about what happens next...
enjoy going out with Matt without any kids in tow or responsibilities...
travel...
practice more patience...
learn techniques to stay more positive and less stressed in this process, to try not to think about it as much
more perfectly picture how exciting it really will be to be pregnant...

The Waiting Game... Again... But this time...*

The hardest part of this time in life, of trying to start a family, is all the waiting. Waiting to figure out when I ovulate, waiting til it's period time. Am I? Am I not? For someone who has decided that it must be a life lesson to learn to have patience, it's awful. The uncertainty, the hope, the fear of pending disappointment.

That and the indefinite negative on a pregnancy test. Does it really mean no, or does it mean too soon to tell?

So here we are, in a month that it seemed unlikely we'd be successful because I had to go to Sacramento for a week for work during the worst time (for family planning purposes) for us to be apart... And me trying not to stress about it, since stress can push back when I ovulate... And now I'm late. Two days late. And I've never been this late before. Yesterday morning I woke up at 2am excited and terrified. But the test said no. And the test today said no.

So is it because I really was stressed and that and the travel and long week of conference work pushed everything back a few days so that my period is also pushed back and I'll be starting at any time, maybe later today, maybe tomorrow? Or is it because we are pregnant and it's too early to tell yet?

I guess at this point I'll be surprised either way- if I'm later than I've ever been or if we really are about to have our lives changed forever.

That's the terrifying part- knowing that things will change in unpredictable ways. I suddenly have weird thoughts like, gee, I guess in this life I'll probably never be a motherless sex object rock star after all, I guess I won't run the relay this year, I guess I won't get to hike as much this summer and we won't fly to Europe for our anniversary or go sky diving or drink Irish car bombs for St Pattys this year. As if I was going to do, or cared about doing, most of these things. Am I ready for my identity to change? To be ever after known as a mother, as someone's mom, with everything that entails? And part of me thinks "shut up, it's fine, we're ready, don't jinx us." and part of me thinks "this is huge. And much scarier than anything I've done before (except going to Texas because now I have Matt to share everything with)."

It's also scary to get our hopes up, because in other months I have and it's been disappointing. But I know I can't dwell on fear, or think too much about it.

I'm so thankfully for who Matt is. He is already so supportive and positive and excited. He'll be an amazing support for me and a wonderful father, which is part of why I married him. The thing I'm the most excited about in having kids is getting to share that with Matt- to see his face when we first find out we're expecting, to hear the first thing he'll say when he sees him or her, to see how he interacts with our kids... I wanna have his babies :)

I'm just looking forward to having a definite answer...