Wednesday night, we both slept poorly. It was a little like Christmas morning; we've been waiting for our ultrasound for 15 weeks... okay, since we decided to start trying even. Finally we were going to actually "see" our baby, and find out what we could it other than "it." Finding out the sex was important because we thought we could then really think of names and feel more like we "knew" our baby or were getting to know him/her. Yes, it also means we'd start forecasting for how he/she would behave and things he/she might be interested in that are more gender-specific, but that's part of the fun too, the daydreaming about what our life will be like with the addition of this little person.
The ultrasound was an hour, and we let the technician know that we'd like to know the sex. She told us she'd be taking measurements and would get to the sex later. So she started moving the wand around. Things that surprised me: 1- baby is much lower than I expect, considering that my bulge is around my belly button and baby's head seems to be way down in my pelvis; 2- the tech is a bit aggressive with the wand; 3- although I didn't cry when I found out I was pregnant (shock and I felt like I sorta knew, but mostly shock) and I didn't cry when I first heard the heartbeat (sorta surreal) and I didn't cry when I first figured out I was feeling baby move, the ultrasound was the most moving thing we've done.
We could see baby moving arms and shifting around. I've seen ultrasound pictures and honestly didn't think much of them, except that some of the 3D pictures were creepy. But seeing it with our own baby was so sweet. Here I've been feeling some little kicks and then I see baby kick. And the picture actually looked much sharper than I expected. For the most part, I still don't know how the tech knows what she's looking at. But baby looked healthy; kidneys and stomach looked full and functioning. Seeing the little heart fluttering was cool. Heartbeat was 143, which she said was normal. The spine is kinda beautiful. And the tiny little foot was just adorable! She said it was probably about an inch in size.
The main problem was that she was trying to take measurements of the head, but baby had hands in the way each time. Grandma Susan thinks this pic looks like baby is praying. The tech was not pleased with this though; I'm not sure if it's because she needed better measurements or because she really wanted to try to get us good shots of baby's face but she really started jabbing me with the wand, yelling "move your hands, move your hands." I was about to say, I appreciate your effort but if baby doesn't want to show his/her face, I'll be okay to wait til the birth.
So she was moving the wand around to see if she could get baby to move but also to take some other shots she needed at the moment, seeing if maybe baby would move hands in a bit... And all of a sudden, she says:
OH!! It's a boy.
Both Matt and I just looked at each other, so surprised, not only at her timing (talk about no warning) but also and mostly because I was convinced it was a girl, and apparently had convinced Matt as such. She said "sorry but I've seen this 2-3 times now and he must really want you to know now because he just gave us a good shot. And we might not have as good of a shot if I wait to look later." (Sorry, son, we're showing your junk here.) So, there it is; pretty obvious. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by anything, except when Matt proposed. There ya go, those unpredictable Heberling men.
So, initially feelings: shock and surprise, a sense of awe, a little relief and a little disappointment, and gratefulness. Oh, and the tech is 99.9% sure ;)
I have always thought I'd have a daughter first, mainly I think because I assumed I'd have a girl then boy like me and Joe. Whenever I've pictured having a baby, it's always a girl in pink or yellow floral print. I got really attached to the girl name on our list, and even had a dream about a year ago about a year ago, calling her by that name, and she had a little brother. Even as we started trying, I really, really wanted a girl. Matt seemed that he'd be happy with either a boy or girl, but every time he talked about kids, he'd talk about a son and going to sporting events, and I'd remind him that we might have a girl. So I was pretty committed to having a girl. And then we kept not getting pregnant. About two months before we got pregnant, my friend Jesse did a tarot reading for me, which mainly ended up being about a situation with my brother, but my clarity card was very telling. My life card is the hierophant (meaning a teacher/priest) and the card I pulled was described as "son of the hierophant." It made me realize how much I had been hoping we'd conceive a daughter, but that actually, I just wanted to conceive and I'd be happy with either a son or daughter.
As we got closer to finding out the sex of our baby, although I kept thinking of baby as "she" in my head, Matt mentioned that he was hoping for a boy slightly more because he knows how to relate to boys but he "has no idea what to do with a girl." I started to worry a little about him feeling disappointed if we had a daughter, or never had a son, although I know he'd be an amazing dad either way and would be wrapped around a daughter's finger. I don't know how to explain it but it's as if I feel some remnant of antiquity in which men wanted and expected sons, and women were deemed less valuable if they couldn't produce sons (although we now know it is actually the sperm that determines the baby's sex since the egg is always X); just as when we were trying to conceive, I did feel a little of a pressure to be able to bear children, I now felt a little pressure and desire to want to bear a son for my husband. Wow, sounds so un-21st-century-feminist of me. And my mind doesn't think that at all; I don't know where that idea came from. Just being honest. Yet I envisioned myself being more emotionally close and having more in common with a daughter, so for myself, I was hoping more for a girl. But for Matt, I was hoping for a boy.
But the more time that passed, the more I started to feel evenly about which I was hoping our first child would be. Though I picture them in different ways, in having different relationships to me, I'm excited for either. Still, when she said "boy," I was shocked. And relieved. And a little disappointed. And like I'd need to really rearrange my visual images of this baby. Matt said he'd realized that whatever the sex, he'd be a little disappointed that it wasn't the other; guess we want the best of both sexes, but maybe eventually. For now, we'll start with a boy! (What a rollercoaster that would be to go through just after the birth! Glad we found out now!)
Then we could see him moving around. He kicked once. He was moving his arms. We could see him sucking or puckering his mouth, then he yawned and it looked a little like a smile. And he suddenly seemed like a real person to me, a person who will/has changed my life forever. And I cried. He's so beautiful already. I had no idea he'd be my first baby, but he will be. We're having a son. And I felt so proud and happy and excited.
(By the way the bubbly-looking thing is his umbilical cord)
The tech actually said given his size, she would date him as a week earlier, and asked if I was sure I knew when I conceived... uhhhhhhhhh.... maybe not? She said she'd actually put his due date as March 3 instead of 1, but that in any case, a baby can usually come within two weeks of his due date.
So because he kept blocking his face with his arms like a boxer, we only had one 3D picture. The tech said at this stage, 3D pictures are often a bit scary because the baby is so skinny. But she was able to get this close-up of his face, cuddled against the placenta (like a little pillow). Matt says he looks a little like a marshmallow man but I think he looks so sweet. I keep staring at this picture in awe and anticipation. He just looks so precious, my sweet little boy.
Jesse actually mentioned that this pic looks a lot like a baby pic of Matt I had up on Facebook. I thought he looks like Matt but when you line the pics up, he REALLY does look like his daddy. It melts my heart. But I hope he looks at least a little like me.
After the ultrasound, I felt distracted for days; I'm not sure why. I have this compulsion now to go buy lots of cute boy stuff, like onesies that say "Mommy's Little Hunk" or "Daddy's All-Star." But I'm holding back for now. I'd still like to try to stay somewhat gender-neutral, both for a second kid and because just because he's a boy doesn't mean I want to shove sports or cars or whatever down his throat from the beginning. I still like animal-themes, puppies, dinosaurs, cute monsters, boats... I don't think we'll have a "theme" for his room. I just can't commit.
It'll be fun having a boy also because so many of my friends have boys; I'll be able to get lots of good advice. Plus, having had a brother, plus only ever babysitting boys, plus mentoring a boy, I have a pretty good idea about boys :) I also hear boys love their mommy; I sure hope that's true because one of the main things I'm missing about not having a daughter is that I envision a daughter being sweet and loving and cuddly, while I imagine a son pushing away early and just wanting to rough and tumble. But every child is different, I know. I just hope I still get to have a close relationship with my son, for life. On Tuesday, I did get to hold my friend Katie's 4-month old son Noah and he was sooooo cute; in that moment, I was hoping for a boy :)
And now I've been having a strange feeling; it's like I miss him. I miss seeing his little face. I keep looking at the ultrasound pictures and hoping I'll feel him kick. I think I'm a little in love. I know in just 4.5 months, he'll be here for life, and I am trying to savor the time before he comes. But the last week, I've really been feeling this strong longing to hold him, to kiss him, to have him here already. Ahh good, I was starting to wonder if I'd feel this way or if he'd show up and I'd think "oh crap, I'm not ready for you yet!" No, I'm not ready for him at the moment, but soon. And for the rest of my life. It's strange to think that already, I'll never not be a mom again. I'll never not be someone's mother. When I tell Matt that he'll never again not be a dad, he gets the biggest grin.
