The first weeks with Carsen were so much more challenging than Matt or I anticipated. Though we should have, because everyone tells you how tough it is. But until you're in it, you can't possibly understand what they mean. I can read in a book that you need to feed newborns every 2-3 hours, starting from the start of the feeding, ie if he starts nursing at 2am, he needs to nurse again at 4am or 5am regardless if it takes him 10 minutes or an hour to nurse. But living it is entirely different. Thankfully Matt had two weeks he could take off work because it would have been so hard without him.
Our day and half in the hospital should have been restful. Carsen slept. I should have but I felt jacked up (on adrenaline I guess). Given how painful childbirth was (honestly not sure what I'd do next time, if there is a next time), I felt really good as soon as it was over. Maybe that's part of the benefit of natural childbirth; you're supposed to have natural painkillers come on. I also wonder if being able to feel it all and feel the urge to push (vs what I've heard about having an epidural) was beneficial to me, given how difficult it ended up being getting his head under my pelvic bone; maybe with an epidural, it would've been even harder.
Day 2, I felt sore in all these unexpected places- my neck, every part of my face, my back... And due to the stitches post-episiotomy and the swelling, it really hurt to sit straight up. I wish they'd given me a donut pillow. At least I had recently heard, and read, about the postpartum bleeding (like a period that lasts for weeks) or I'd have been disturbed. I'm not sure if it was only because of the episiotomy but they gave me a squirt bottle that I had to fill with warm water and use after each pee; my fav, I asked the nurse how long I needed to use it and she answered "well some women never stop using it." Ummm well I plan to stop using it. I was surprised (when I finally looked) how swollen everything gets; you can't distinguish anything afterward. Everything felt very surreal. We tried to check out of the hospital as soon as they'd let us though because the nurses were a bit snippy with Matt. Since weight ended up being a big issue for us in the coming weeks, it's worth noting that while he was born at 8lbs 8oz, he left the hospital at 8lbs, which I was told was normal.
Going home was, admittedly, kinda scary. Now we're on our own. I felt so vulnerable and somehow insecure. After all this waiting and hoping and dreaming, here we have this beautiful little baby and it's suddenly so scary. We have a child. A baby. Who relies entirely upon us. The first days were tiring, though for better or worse (probably worse) Carsen slept A LOT. Like all the time. I kept having to wake him to eat then he'd fall asleep within 5-10 minutes of nursing. I tried almost all the techniques to wake him/keep him awake- blowing in his face, tickling his feet and back, touching him with a wet cloth, undressing him, changing his diaper, playing with his hands, talking to him. He is a sound sleeper!
As far as love at first sight... I was hoping for that after delivery but honestly just felt so exhausted and surprised by how scary/painful the end of labor was and everything just felt so surreal. But sitting in Carsen's room rocking him that first day home, studying his face, I felt suddenly so overwhelmed with love. And a lot of other emotions. Somehow I suddenly felt terrified- of him growing up, of him getting his heart broken one day, of him leaving/moving out eventually, of all the struggles he'll probably have in his life. And as much as I've always been someone who believes that life is for experiencing and that our experiences shape us and teach us and lead us to who we want to be, I suddenly desperately wished I could spare him from any pain in advance. And I felt guilty for some many things I've done in my past- other people I've loved, people I lived with, experimenting I'd done. And I know that it all led me to who I am and to actually being ready to become a mother, but I had this strange feeling that I wished I could have been a better person for his sake, had only ever loved Matt, had created Carsen sooner. It was very strange and strong. And I just felt so much love for Carsen. Poor Matt walked in on me with tears streaming down my face.
What I also found surprising is my desire to just hunker down at home. I mean, I guess my body was recovering from this difficult physical endeavor. There was just a striking difference between Matt and my feelings. He wanted to take Carsen out- go get groceries, invite people over to meet him. And my feelings were totally the opposite- I just wanted to lie back and enjoy getting to know Carsen and have a boring evening with just my men. Having people over felt so intrusive (even though they were people I love); it felt nice in the moment but then I felt really strange about it afterward (guilty? just tired?). I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone but Matt and Carsen. Going to the grocery store was, for whatever reason, a real emotional challenge for me.
That said, in general, I felt pretty positive for the first few days... until Friday when we had to visit the lactation consultant. For some reason, though she was trying to be helpful and maybe I was just tired and overly sensitive and took her comments the wrong way, I found it totally overwhelming and stressful. She started by telling us he was losing weight (down to 7lbs 12oz) and really should start gaining weight by now, then (what I took as) lecturing me about how I shouldn't just nurse on one breast at a time during a feeding... Well I was doing that because he fell asleep so quickly, I couldn't really offer the other breast; plus I was pretty sure that either the other nurse before we left the hospital said I could do this or I'd read it. This new nurse freaked me out telling me I'd develop clogged ducts and mastitis; I needed him to nurse on both breasts each time (I took this to mean that I should nurse him on both breasts no matter what). Couldn't I tell how rock-hard this breast felt compared to the other one that I'd last nursed on?! (Umm not really) Was I sure that my milk had "come in" (I have no idea; how does one know for sure?)? She had weighed him before I nursed, then had me nurse there, then weighed him again and he'd only "transferred" (I don't remember exactly) like 1oz. And he needs to be getting 30ccs each time he nurses; didn't that mean anything to me?! (I had no idea what she was talking about) Apparently it meant he needed to be getting about 3oz of milk each feeding and he wasn't. And I needed to be doing breast compressions the entire time he nursed, to help milk the milk out. And I really should be warming up each breast before he nurses with a hot towel and massage (okay, when exactly do I have time to do that when he wakes up and immediately is crying to eat). She also lectured us about taking him out without a hat (how were we supposed to know he needs to always wear a hat out?) and how we had him in the carseat (which was good for her to point out). But it felt really crappy. Here we are exhausted and trying so hard and feeling criticized. I left in tears feeling stupid, foolish and like this terrible mother who ignorantly was allowing her baby to starve himself to the point he was too weak to even nurse well.
From there, the next week was a downward spiral for me. Matt thought it would be helpful to take Carsen to his office for an hour to give me a break that afternoon. It sounds great in theory but instead I ended up sobbing the entire time they were gone. I'm not entirely sure why. I just felt not ready to be separated from either of them and I felt so fragile. And where I had a healthy appetite the first few days after birth, I was suddenly never hungry.
Then every time I nursed, I felt so insecure and upset. Here he was falling asleep again and not getting the nourishment he needed. I started limiting his time on each breast to about 5 mins to make it more even. What I didn't remember reading is that this is the wrong thing to do because the first part of nursing is the foremilk, which is a watery skim-milk-like milk that hydrates him, while the latter hindmilk is fatty and helps put on weight. So really, it's more important that he "drain" the first breast but then be offered the second. I pretty much cried each time I nursed him then, and it also hurt. My nipples were all blistered but I'd heard it was painful for awhile so I figured I just needed to deal with it. Here was something that should be so simple - breastfeeding - the most basic human task for survival - and here I was having such a hard time with it. Of course, they also gave me a sheet with like 30 references for breastfeeding support. Maybe it's not so easy?
On Monday, when he was a week old, we saw the pediatrician to get him circumcised. I immediately broke down crying as soon as she mentioned that he'd lost even more weight (down to 94% of his birth weight, which at 90% they get concerned). Because circumcising can upset babies, making them sometimes sleep through feedings, she wanted to wait until his weight was up a little more because she was worried about it getting worse. She encouraged me to see the lactation consultant again and scheduled to see her in two days. She also encouraged me to go home and pump one breast to see how much milk I got. I did and it was very little. Thankfully the lactation consultant called me back that afternoon (they were done with appointments for the day) and advised that I give him a bottle of formula to help supplement him, then started pumping for 15 minutes with my breast pump after each feeding to help stimulate my milk. He puked up most of the formula and didn't seem to like the bottles we had on hand (which I hadn't even planned to use yet but glad we had them already).
The next day, we went into see the lactation consultant again. Same lady but this time she was MUCH nicer. On this visit, she gave me a nipple shield (a plastic shield with slits in the end for the milk that I can suction onto my nipple) to make it less painful; she thought maybe the pain of Carsen latching on was helping stunt my milk. She also gave us a syringe that we were supposed to fill with either formula or breastmilk and thread this little tube into his mouth when he was latched onto my breast and slowly inject 1 oz more milk as he nursed. Thankfully I was able to pump some breastmilk to use because when we tried the formula, he puked again. So for the next many nursings, Matt would have to fill this syringe, get it into Carsen's mouth and slowly push the milk in, slowly enough that he would actually swallow it vs it leaking out of the side of his mouth or gagging him causing him to pull off. We were only somewhat successful. I thought maybe the tube was too fat. He has gained 40 grams though (and they want to see 20-40/day)! And this time she said that I should be having him nurse as long as he wanted on the first breast until he either pulled himself off or completely fell asleep, then be offered the second breast (same, until he pulls off or sleeps) so that he can be sure to get the hindmilk. Someone told me the first breast is dinner, the second is dessert.
The next day, we went back to the pediatrician and he had gained to 8.08 lbs (another 40 gr) so she performed the circumcision. I should've been happy but I still just felt really insecure about breastfeeding. I'm glad he only needs to do that once. She claimed it didn't hurt him- it's just extra skin and she numbed it but he would be screaming because he wouldn't like being held down and/or he could still feel pressure and cold so he might dislike that. I hate the sound of his cry; it makes me want to cry. He was a bit sleepier that day but didn't seem to drastically nurse differently.
The next day, we went to Mommy and Me, a free support group that's put on by the lactation consultants. They do weight checks there then you can sit in a circle on the floor with other mothers breastfeeding. It's a lil awkward, I'll admit. I'm getting really used to nursing in front of people, by the way. So then his weight was down again, to 7 lbs 15 oz. I started nearly sobbing there and the lactation consultants had us sit in a corner where they tried to help us one-on-one. They gave me the same advice as I'd been hearing. I felt like I was starting to feel bigger though as I had more milk. And when I pumped after he ate, I was getting almost an ounce per breast. They encouraged me to come see them again at the hospital to follow up the next day because they were confused that he was able to transfer 2 ozs from just one breast while I nursed him there. They suggested dropping the night pumpings and just trying to get more rest (thankfully!).
So the next day, we went back to the lactation consultant. He weighed the same amount on their scale there. This time they gave us a drip supplement system, like an IV for breastmilk. They thought this would be easier for my use since Matt was returning to work soon and wouldn't be able to keep doing the syringe. This has a little compartment to fill with an ounce of milk that clips onto my top then an even smaller tube runs down and I was supposed to get Carsen to latch onto my breast with this tube right on my nipple. But he didn't like that either. He made one of my nipples really sore by chopping on with his latch then releasing because he didn't like the tube, like 5x in a row. Since then it hasn't felt the same. They had wanted us to do everything at the breast- wants to suck? Give him the breast cause that stimulates milk. He needs to associate the breast with all sucking and feeding. But they said if needed, we could finger feed, which was taping the drip tube to Matt's pinky and letting Carsen suck on that. I also started taking an herb, fenugreek, that's supposed to help breastmilk.
We went back to see them two days later, a day before our 2 week pediatric followup appointment. By that day, even with our mostly unsuccessful supplementing, he'd gained to 8 lbs 2 oz. The lactation consultant felt confident about our progress and suggested he might just be a slow gainer. She suggested I could just allow him to wake us at night to eat vs setting my alarm and waking him (thankfully!). It seemed like things were looking up.
The next day at our pediatric appointment though, he weighed 8 lbs 1 oz on their scale. So, naturally, I started crying, because that means he's not gaining from yesterday and I don't know what else I can do to help. The pediatrician gave me all the same advice - feed him every 2-3 hrs or as soon as he asks to be fed; wake him at night to feed him; if he acts like he wants to suck, he's probably hungry; and there are resources if I think I have postpartum depressions (also to let someone know if I feel like hurting myself or Carsen). She wanted us to follow up in a week. She also suggested we follow up breastfeeding with an ounce of breastmilk by bottle. The tricky part here is that he fell asleep 50% of the time, 25% of the time would either refuse the bottle or take the bottle and just chew on it so only 25% of the time would actually drink the milk. Maybe we need to try a different bottle? It's our third type... Or maybe it just means he wasn't hungry?
By the next Mommy & Me though, he was up to 8 lbs 4 oz, and we hadn't supplemented him much. But my left nipple was really painful, like I almost screamed when he latched on and it didn't improve much as he nursed. But his latch looked okay, my nipple didn't look pinched much when he was done. But I'd have pain and a burning sensation after he nursed for quite a long time and I dreaded feeding him on that side. I was almost hoping that I had an infection because then at least there'd be an answer. I called the nurse helpline and they suggested an infection and asked me to look in his mouth for white spots. I saw some on his gumline so we made a pediatric appointment that day. They turned out to be something else, look like lil budding teeth but I can't remember what she thought it was. But... he was up to 8 lbs 6 oz. This pediatrician, who was different than who we last saw, suggested we keep our appointment in a few days to follow up with the first (well actually second) pediatrician we'd seen.
So yesterday we went back to the pediatrician and he was FINALLY at his birthweight of 8 lbs 8 oz again. It ended up being a 4th pediatrician because they got the scheduling wrong for us to follow up with the same pediatrician as last time, but I had questions and didn't want to be put off another WEEK. This pediatrician said he seems to be doing fine, he's gaining weight, I don't need to wake him at night, we can give him a pacifier if we want and that he truly might be just wanting to suck and not actually eat every time, and that I could probably just pump when I wanted. We felt really good about everything and like things were finally on track. She did say something though that I should've asked her to clarify (or corrected her) because she mentioned that he'd gained 5 oz in 5 days and that's what they hope for... well that was true between Monday and Saturday, but not between Saturday and Wednesday (that was only 2 oz)...
Anyhow I'd mostly stopped pumping because, frankly, it's hard when I'm on my own during the day and/or we have an appointment or something to go to and I don't time it well enough to also have time to pump after he eats and/or he won't eat quickly. In the last few days, he cries anytime he's put down, making it very tough to do things like get dressed, pee, get something to eat myself, let alone pump for 15 mins. But the pediatrician said that she thought that was okay. Also she reiterated the "you can't spoil a newborn" that I keep reading, ie holding him all the time is okay for now, until around 3-4 months when he starts figuring out cause/effect.
But today I went back to Mommy & Me. I noticed that, while last week, after three hours my breasts felt really engorged, lately they haven't. And they haven't been leaking like they were last week. Also the last day or so I've gotten less out when I pumped (though I only pumped 1-2/day instead of 7-8) and I thought maybe he's just getting better at draining the breasts so there's less to pump out? Maybe my breasts aren't leaking because they're getting used to their amount? Or has my milk supply gone down? He's also been spitting up more the last few days... which could mean he's eating a little too much at a time?
I mainly went to Mommy & Me to see if they had suggestions about my sore nipple. According to their scale, he was 8 lbs 7.5-8 oz, so the same as yesterday. I thought that was a bit odd. Then one of the nurses started trying to console me about my low milk supply... ummm what? What makes you think I have low milk supply? Well your baby isn't gaining weight well... And I lost it again. Here I'd felt so confident yesterday and now my insecurities were creeping back up as she quizzed me about all the things I've tried, suggested a different bottle type (Dr. Browns), suggested a prescription I could try to get to help milk supply (domperidone), suggested more supplementing and asked how committed I really was to breastfeeding. I know she meant well but it's really hard to be continually questioned. She suggested that maybe Carsen is just a poor nurser not good at draining the breast thus my milk supply suffers. It just makes me feel awful and question everything and maybe I shouldn't put too much stock into what this woman says who only observed us for 10 mins and went by the few things I told her, but she's also supposed to be an expert and her job is to consult on lactation whereas this is my first baby and I already feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
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| His facial expressions are fun though |
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| This is my fav... look at this face! |
Yes, there are good and sweet moments. And I know they'll just increase. Still, yes, this is the hardest thing we've done.
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| Looks like a little angel |
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| biting Matt's nose |
