In the last few weeks, I've concluded that I could be managing life a little better. After a recent doctor's visit, our clinic mailed me a depression inventory. I can't tell you how SICK I am of people asking me if I think I may be depressed. I've literally been asked this a dozen times in the last six months (by what I think our doctors trying to cover their own butts by covering the bases). Like when Carsen was less than a month old... well gee I would be doing a lot better if I slept for more than 2hrs at a time and wasn't having trouble nursing my baby, which seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world. And gee I would be a lot happier if intimacy was more like it used to be. But NO, I AM NOT DEPRESSED. But yes, I am stressed and tired, and often I feel guilty like I'm letting people down (including myself) and feel like I'm failing a little. I've been depressed; this isn't it. What I need... is a wife. Which is not an uncommon saying, and it implies all these things that we may think of a wife as doing. And that's part of the problem is that I'm discovering all these hidden assumptions about what I think it would mean for me myself to be a good wife and mother, and daughter and employee and sister and friend and person, (in my own opinion) and I'm not doing any of those as well as I'd like. Especially because I work from home. But even though I am at our house, I am working. So the laundry still doesn't get done. The floor doesn't get vacuumed. Dinner does not make it easily onto the table. Turns out, I have very high expectations of myself. I used to always like the quote by Steinbeck "It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him." So is this my rise (again) to (a new) greatness?
Let's start with health.
A friend on Facebook posted that she was doing the Bikini Body Mommy Challenge (here's the Quick-Start-Guide). Even though the first workout is just a fitness test, I kept putting it off because I couldn't decide if it seemed too easy or too hard. The first time I started... I finally jogged around the block to warmup then did day 1 and although only 8 minutes, I swore I nearly puked; this kind of aerobic workout does that to me, hence I prefer slow running. I did 35 squats, 95 high knees, 16 pushups on my knees, 21 squat jumps, 22 tricep dips, 8 burpees (HATE), 12 each lunges, and about 15 sec plank on my elbows until the dog wouldn't get out of my face and I gave up. I made it through the first three days, then conveniently got too busy with life and gave up for almost a week. I restarted today and did 38 squats, 91 high knees, 20 pushups on my knees, 26 squat jumps, 25
tricep dips, 9 burpees (HATE), 11 each lunges, and all 50 sec plank on
my elbows; that's an improvement in almost every area!! I did try to have better form also, thus a few less high knees and one less lunge. Okay, so she's starting over the whole 90-day challenge today so I might as well just start over. Bummer because day 2 is horrible. So hard.
* Oh yeh, and here's where I'm starting: chest 37", waist 35", hips 38" & 40.5", thigh 21.5", upper arm 11.5", and weight 156lbs (which is about where I was last year when I got pregnant).
Then food. Maybe it seems dumb but we also decided to try eMeals for three months. By 5pm, I am just so tired with the day, I can't really manage to think about dinner. Plus I have never planned meals/menus ahead of time. Matt and I both resist that rigidity, thinking "well what if at 5pm, we want something else?" yet need some kind of scheduling to avoid exhaustion and frustration. So far, I like it well enough; at least it gives me ideas and we're on the regular plan and can mark Safeway as our grocery store so it gives us pricing (which must be a rough estimate because we've gone over by a lot, but then we're also buying additional food), as well as trying to use recipes for items that are on sale that week. It helps. It actually makes me think ahead about the coming week and what we need. Now if I can get myself to actually drink water and not just drink coffee all day, and eat a few healthy snacks... :)
Then realistic goal-setting. It's funny because I give good advice, then I'm so hard on myself. I've had at least a few meltdowns lately to Matt about feeling inadequate and like a failure-- at work because I don't feel interested in it or as dedicated; as a mom (that mom-guilt is no joke) for all kinds of things from not being able to keep breastfeeding Carsen to worrying that I don't spend enough time interacting with him or don't consistently have him nap in his crib; as a wife for not making Matt breakfast or packing a lunch or snack or not being as sexy (as least that's how I feel) as I was, not giving him enough attention; as a daughter, a sister, a friend; but mostly as an individual woman, not taking the proper care of myself as I'd like to. It's so exhausting. And I only have ONE child! And he JUST started being mobile. I guess I do have this image of myself being a wonder woman, something that logically I know is unattainable but somewhere have come to believe I could really do/be. Even as I just told my friend Tara (who has a 3mo old) to set small goals for the day and if she accomplishes one, be overjoyed. Yet here I am beating myself up that I was so tired at 7am because I had to get up to soothe Carsen (cause I'm having too hard of a time letting him cry it out) 2-3 times during the night that I didn't wake him up and go for a jog with him like I'd plotted might be a positive thing to do, on the one morning he actually slept in. So... I'm going to be more kind to myself. I'm going to forgive myself if I don't make all his babyfood. I'm going to forgive myself if sometimes I need to ignore Matt and just write. I'm going to forgive myself (and hopefully others will too) if I'm not great at returning calls.
Until recently, I really felt like I was just struggling to stay afloat. Not in a helpless, there's-no-light-at-the-end, I-dread-waking-up kind of way (that's depression for me). But in the I-swear-if-I-could-just-get-caught-up-on-sleep,-eventually-I-will-be-awesome kind of way. It's getting there. Small steps. And tomorrow's goal is to be working by 9am, drink 75 oz of water and do a workout. And give Carsen his usual 1,000 mommy kisses. And give Matt his usual sweetness and a homecooked meal. Whew.
