In the first few months, admittedly, it was so challenging just getting through the day. I don't know if that's due to the sleep deprivation, the new hormones surging through my body, or the adjustment to such a new life. Probably all of it. But around 4 months, I realized that it had changed at some point and was more pleasurable than difficult. Each day seems to move more toward joy, though yes, there are those difficult days still. There are days when he's soooo fussy and it seems like I just through hoops all day to keep him content. There are days when we're all tired. There are days when we're sick. Or lonely. Or stressed by other forces. Or stressed by each other. But now they're undercut with this joyful love, like the love I have for Matt; it's hard to be very frustrated for long when you take a moment to look at who you are fortunate to share your life with.
Someone used the analogy that becoming a mother is like suddenly seeing your heart outside of your body walking around. I suppose that's accurate enough. But because I want to put words to the overwhelming and inexplicable experience of being a mom, here's my attempt.
It's like waking up to Christmas morning when you just know you're going to get something good. Okay, when it's much, much earlier than I'd like to be waking up, there are those initial thoughts of "dear God, I would do anything to sleep an hour (or two) more." But they fade so quickly when I see Carsen's sweet face, then I'd do anything he needed.
It's like the most tender moments when you're in love, when you study your love's face, when the very sound of his voice is like the most beautiful music, when he brushes your face with his hand and you pray, just for a moment, that time could move a thousand times more slowly so you could stay in that moment longer. Except this love is little, and drooly, and literally the most beautiful creature you've ever looked upon.
Everything is so perfect. His fine hair, his smooth forehead, his delicate blond eyebrows, his long eyelashes, his beautiful sparkling eyes, his adorable button nose, his perfect pink soft little lips, his soft cheeks. I could kiss him a thousand times and it wouldn't be enough. I just want to keep my lips kissing his sweet cheeks. And he smells so good to me. Like a lover's skin mixed my own skin's smell mixed with a clean smell mixed with puppy breath. Even when he's spitup, he still usually smells good (moreso when he was breastfed though, formula stinks). His tiny nails on his tiny fingers, the way he moves, the life giving breath moving in and out. There's nothing I don't love. It's hard to fathom that this is someone I helped create, I grew, I birthed, I nursed; it's the most surreal idea.Especially when I rock him, I feel so much love I could cry (and sometimes do). He's so precious and I just wish those moments would last forever. I don't want to do anything but do anything he needs. And I have this sense of memories of being held by my mom, how safe it felt, how warm and comfortable and how in those moments I didn't want her to ever let go either. And to know I can give Carsen that sense of safety and love and care is a great feeling.
When I was younger, before I truly knew I wanted children, when I was still in the "I'm too selfish to have kids right now" phase, I worried that I'd maybe always feel too selfish. That I wouldn't have the strength or resolve to do what needed to be done to take care of the children. And I am still glad that I waited until I was very ready to have a child. But... but... I think that we can't help but be ready (if resolved to keeping the child) or become ready rather. There were definitely moments in the first month that Matt and I would say to each other "wow did we really want to do this? We feel a little... trapped and overwhelmed." But there's no going back. Then I reached a point where I realized, the thing is it doesn't feel like being selfless to care for him, because it's what I want to do. And in choosing to have a child, it's also what I choose to do. Plus, he's an infant; he cannot do the things for himself that need done. Do I want to be up at 6am making a bottle? Do I want to spend the tedious time to help him learn to feed himself, make sure he's eaten enough, clean up after him, bathe him, lotion him, diaper him, clothe him, rock him, which now takes up at least half of my evening? Yes because it needs done and it is best for him. I thought the giving up of my time would be hard, and initially it really was, but now it doesn't feel like any sacrifice, because I love him so.I remember at times I've thanked my parents for all they've done for me. I'm sure (and I hope) the time will come when Carsen will thank me for what I've done for him, in that catch-all way because you can't comprehend what your parents did for you even remotely until you become a parent and because you can't really give enough thank-yous for all the diaper changes and boo-boo-kisses and late nights with the flu and all the anxiety and worry for you that your parents give. But even now I know, he doesn't have to thank me. I would do it a million times over because he has blessed my life with his presence. Just as there's practically nothing I wouldn't do for Matt (or my parents, or my brother, or those I really love), there's practically nothing I wouldn't do for Carsen. And I have definitely felt that "mama bear" instinct kick in and it is no joke; I've never been much of a fight person in the fight-or-flight scenario but whoa, I am regarding him.
Watching my child is like watching the most beautiful (and fragile) creature who has my whole heart who I am biologically and chemically naturally driven to protect awaken to the world. And my heart in my chest feels like it's about to explode with love and pride and gratitude. It is the most miraculous and awe inspiring and beautiful experience, and terrifying. It's like loving any beloved pet multiplied by a million. It's like loving your partner but with such a sweet innocence and an intense neediness that negates any equality. Whatever he does in his life, I'll love him. There isn't anything he could do or say to make me not love him. Nothing. Nothing. How many people can you TRULY say that about? Honestly. If your partner was dishonest- cheated on you, or cheated your family out of money, or abused someone, can you say you'd still love him? (Okay, actually, in most cases, I can honestly say I'd still love Matt, but I wouldn't necessarily choose to be with him if he made certain choices). But Carsen, I will always love him, even if I don't agree with the choices he may make. In a lot of cases, loving someone is a choice. You choose to keep those feelings alive. You choose to do the loving actions. I don't know if it is a choice when you're a mother. It may be just like breathing.
Yet I do see why I received some cautionings about becoming a mother. It truly is the hardest job I've had. And I am truly grateful I waited until I felt mature enough to want to become a mother and have a wonderfully supportive and sensitive partner to share in the experience. It's just everything I hoped it would be :) And thank goodness it is this way in the relative beginning and kids don't start out as pre-teens- ha!
